wonder dog blog

Vermin Invasion...

2012-02-05T09:01:00.000-08:00

Hi ya Kid! Boy-oh-boy have I been busy! Squirrels, bunnies and even cats! There seems to be some kind of vermin invasion around these parts...every time I dig into the sofa for a nice little "cat nap," (that's where I take a snooze and dream about cats!), I'll hear screeching noises and will wake to find squirrels on MY deck or bunnies happily eating MY bushes or cats strolling over MY drive! Seriously kid, I have had to be on high alert!

Now I don't mind being on patrol, after all, it's my job, but it really cuts into my nap time! And not only that, I no longer get to suck on my pigs during the day! I'm way too busy for that! Now my pig sucking is reserved just for bedtime...do you see the sacrifices I have to make?!?! But that's why I'm the Wonder Dog kid and you're not. Okay kid, that's all the time I have for chit-chat today...I'm sure it's only a matter of minutes before one of those flea-ridden creatures defies logic and attempts to enter my realm...not to worry kid, I'll catch the creature and have myself an early Valentine treat...and no, I won't share. Catch your own squirrels kid!

Now kid, remember this, 'cause it's as true as rain in Seattle....DOG'S RULE!

Merry Freakin' New Year!

2012-01-02T09:10:00.000-08:00

Hiya Kid! It's been a month of celebrating around the manse...humans coming and going, eating Christmas treats, dropping them on the floor...and me snatching them up. Or better yet, humans would load up a plate with goodies and then set it on the coffee table and walk off...yours truly would make fast work of it! I would have it licked clean before they knew it - they'd only see a puff of white disappear around the corner when they returned! My favorite time of year kid - Christmas is all about stealing food from humans' plates!!!

Now kid, let me get straight to the point. It's January 2nd, time for some New Year Resolutions. So here are mine:

I resolve to catch and destroy every squirrel that dares to step paw onto my property.

I resolve to pee on the wall once every day, even if it's just a drop.

I resolve to systematically shred every pair of underwear the human boy leaves on the floor.

I resolve to bite the ankle/hand of every human I come in contact with.

There kid, whaddya think?!? Resolutions are great - especially if you keep them - and I think you know that I'll keep mine...it's my duty to! Okay kid, time for me to go make my rounds. Bunnies have reportedly been seen in the front of the palace...might be having me some Bunny Pie for dinner!

Now kid, remember this because it's more true than the sun is yellow...DOG'S RULE!

If It Fits You Must Acquit!

2011-11-16T06:57:00.001-08:00

Hi ya Kid! Today it's my pleasure to talk about my BFF Mickey. Mickey lives with a raucous (big word kid, look it up) family in California, where the sun shines nearly every day...I spit on sunny days...give me rain and cold or give me death! But I digress...Mickey could be a very clever Canine, and with his big bug eyes he could probably get away with all kinds of thievery and mischief...but Mickey's eyes do not say "precious" or "sweet" or "innocent"...no, no, no, Mickey's eyes say G U I L T Y !!! Here, see for yourself!

You know kid, having a guilty face can really get you into trouble. Not that I would know as I have turned looking innocent into an art form...and here's the first rule when it comes to looking innocent...NEVER look your accuser in the eyes!!! Follow my lead kid...this is what I do:

Play it coy, kid...think covert operative...what? You don't know what that is? Go ask your human, they're probably one.

Now listen up kid, if you have to look your accuser in the eyes, then do what I do, look cute. Turn up the charm kid, smile sweetly and let your lyin' eyes do the talkin'...it works every time! Well, it works for me, especially when I give the human my ghost eyes...she takes pity on me instantly and will say, "Oh you poor little boy, you're getting so old!" Whatever, what she doesn't know is ghost eyes come from LMAO because I've eaten an entire bag of SNAUSAGES without her knowing!!!! SCORE! And really, old?!? ME?!?!? As if! She's the one who's old!

That's it for today kid. Thanks to my pal Mickey and his human for sending me his pic - he's quite a fine looking fella. Now kid, I know I've told you this a dozen times, maybe even two dozen, but you need to get it through your thick skull 'cause it's the truth...DOG'S RULE!

The Pumpkin Patch...

2011-10-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

Hi ya Kid! Lemme tell you, I LIVE for my annual trip to the pumpkin patch! My heart races, my tail wags, and I don't mind saying this, I even licked the human's face as we pull onto the field...TWICE!

What so great about the pumpkin patch you ask?!?! Well, let me show you...first I do a complete check of the area...looking for just the perfect pumpkin...

Did you notice the leash?!? I humored the human and let her put it on me - but don't be fooled, I can escape from that any time I want...she thinks she's so smart but all I have to do is tuck my head under and I'm GONE! However, while I was in the pumpkin patch I had other things on my mind besides escaping...I was searching for something...

And when I found it...well, I did what any self-respecting dog would do...I PEED on it! Actually, I peed on everything - it's just my way of saying how much I appreciate the glorious bounty of the Fall!
Now kid, if you haven't been to the pumpkin patch, get there!! But do me a favor, make sure you wash off your pumpkins...just in case you get one that has an odor that you just can't place! Hehehehehe...it's good to be me!

Happy harvesting Kid! Oh, before I go, there's something I want you to know - and it comes from the heart...DOG'S RULE!!!

The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth...NOT!

2011-09-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

Listen up Kid...There's going to be no whining from you about my lack of postings...I've been busy - and if you had any idea of just how busy your little human brain would spin! Given that I have FOUR legs and you ONLY have TWO, obviously I think you can see that I can already run circles around you! Now kid, I'm going to take pity on you and let you in on a little something...something I like to call Canine Countenance. I know, I know, big words, little brain....but let me explain...some people make the mistake of thinking little dogs are cute and sweet and can be picked up at random. And those that have been lobotomized can be. But, for dogs who have a brain/personality/temper, like moi, we don't like being picked up and mauled like we're Barbie and Ken dolls. Let me give you an example...a few days ago some little human came to visit and he saw me and let out some obnoxious squeal...hurt my ears...but I layed on my spot and did my best to ignore him. He thought I was so cute and sweet and he assumed, just like his mother did, that I had a sweet countenance...fortunately for him, the human stepped between us before I could enjoy gnawing off his little finger! So kid, don't be fooled by a pretty face....hehehehehe...unless you want to live with a few less digits!

Here Kid, take a look, you'll see what I mean...you'll see me laying on my spot, minding my own biz, looking very sweet ....hehehehehe....

So kid, like I said, don't be fooled by a pretty face, especially if you like having all of your fingers! Now, there's one more thing I want to tell you today, and you'd better write it down because it's dang important...DOG'S RULE!!!

I Love Me Some BBQ!

2011-08-02T19:54:00.000-07:00

Well...WHEN I get some that is! The human is not all that generous when she is sitting outdoors eating her dinner...she's a bit of a hog really, not that being a hog is a bad thing, mind you, I think the world of porkers! But the human seems to take great pleasure in eating when she dines outdoors...she puts her feet up, lifts her fork lazily and then licks it clean without dropping one crumb in my direction! Very nervy if you ask me!

I do my best to smile and be pleasant, which as you know is not easy for me...I'd much rather have a go at the human's ankles but when there's meat in the picture I do try to behave myself!

So I sit and wait and play her stupid game...good doggie...good boy...good babeeeeeee....And after being polite, not whining or crying, I tend to get a bit annoyed, so I see nothing wrong with jumping up and letting her know it!

This works every time...jumping up, looking longingly into the human's eyes with my best "sad" face...and before you know it I've got me a piece of rib-eye that makes putting up with the human worth the trouble! Dang kid, it's good to be a canine in the summertime! I'm looking forward to a lot more T-bones and grilled chicken...especially since the human got a new grill!! Things are lookin' up kid! Now before I go (got to make my rounds, there's been evidence of a new bunny in the front forty, got to stay on my paws to keep control of the situation!) you need to know something, as sure as that pitiful excuse for a nose on your face...so hear me and hear me good...DOG'S RULE!

Go Suck A Pig!

2011-06-21T20:54:00.000-07:00

Hi ya kid! Yeah, that's me, sucking on one of my six pigs...wanna make something of it? Naw, I didn't think you did! Listen up kid, this may seem odd to you, the human thinks it's odd, and she knows odd, know what I mean? But it's not odd at all...I suck on pigs and you pee your pants...now THAT'S odd! And just for the record, no self-respecting, collar-wearing dog would ever pee on himself...not when he can pee on the wall, or the carpet or a piece of human clothing! Hehehehehe....so kid, listen up, have I ever led you astray? Nope, I have not, and I never will....so do yourself a favor, get yourself a pink, plush pig and suck on it every night before you go to sleep...trust me, it's one of life's great pleasures! I'm somewhat of a pig sucking expert as I've been a pig sucker all my life so believe me when I tell you, it's the ticket onto the Dreamland Express!
Now kid, one more thing, and I want you to really take your time and let this soak in, 'cause it's the dang truth...DOG'S RULE!

Squirrel Pie...It's What's For Dinner!

2011-04-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

Yo kid! Here's the deal...I've been extremely busy this past month - no time to sit on the computer for me - and today is no exception, why I haven't even had time to yak up last night's meal! But I'm taking five to let you know that the work continues... as you know, I'm on a mission to eradicate squirrels from the back forty...and while it's tedious and time-consuming, I am making progress. Sorry kid, duty calls and I must go...oh don't worry, I'll be back soon but in the meantime hear me and hear me good...DOG'S RULE!

Fro-Shish Is My Middle Name....

2011-02-19T08:16:00.000-08:00

Hey There Kid - I've got a bone to pick with you today...There's been some talk about me going soft, like I'm some kind of over-grown puppy with a "please" complex. It ain't true kid. Just ask the human. She got mad at me for peeing on the floor - even raised her voice and said I was naughty...as if that would send me shivering off into the corner! This is what I showed her in return:

My pearly whites, kid, they're sharper than a butcher's knife and I told the human to back off or I'd be enjoying a pound of her flesh! Of course, she did...back off I mean...she's not stupid...at least not that day! Kid, look at my eyes! Do you see how they are almost white? Pretty clever of me, isn't it? Oh sure, you can think it's the camera playing tricks but I'm telling you Kid, you don't want to mess with me if my eyes go white! Hehehehe...I'm as Fro-Shish as they come kid, and don't you forget it!

Time for me to go on patrol, but before I go, I want you to hear this, loud and clear...DOG'S RULE!

Free Oreo and Bo!

2011-02-08T09:25:00.000-08:00

So Kid, I've got a joke for you...what do you get if you cross a dog with a giraffe?

Something that barks at low flying aircraft!

Yeah, stupid, I know, because why would a dog want to be part giraffe?!?

Wanna know something else that's stupid? Figured you would, take a looksy at Oreo, he's on the right...and Bo, on the left, they're my cousins. They live in Utah with a tribe of humans. Poor guys, don't they just look beat down and sad?!? Well they are! They are not allowed to sit on the furniture, not allowed to sleep on beds, not allowed to eat human food...and they are forced to wear ELF suits 24/7!!! Now I ask you, is that any kind of life?!? It's pitiful is what is it...I'm starting a campaign to FREE OREO AND BO! And I need your help!

I have just printed up a supply of bumper stickers that say, "FREE OREO AND BO!" You can stick it on the bumper of your mom's car - it's time the world knew about this injustice! The cost of the bumper sticker is $25, make the check out to me, Caesar Beezer the Wonder Dog and put it in the mail asap. As soon as I get your check I'll send you the bumper sticker. I plan to use the money to help Oreo and Bo escape...or something like that, might invest in a new TV for my boudoir, but that's neither here nor there.

Now kid, helping a couple of canines in distress is not the most important thing I had to tell you today...nope, the most important thing is this...DOG'S RULE!

Brain Surgery Is NOT for Everyone!

2011-01-29T10:50:00.000-08:00

Hey Kid - What can I say? I've been drugged, tranquilized, and had part of my head removed...yet I'm still here...barely. Remember I told you about the "cyst" growing on top of my head? Well, that's what the human called it but really my brain was so big it just continued to grow on the outside! The human took me to the vet, who said he was going to examine the "cyst" and then he stuck something in my backside...let me remind you kid, NEVER turn your back on a vet! So here's the story - the "cyst" was growing and the human got worried - like it was on HER head and she took me to the vet...this time I did NOT turn my back to him and the second that quack got close I took a snip at his face - missed him by THIS much! Do you know he actually wears a long white coat? I caught myself thinking how lovely it would look with a few YELLOW pots on it! Then the quack put a muzzle on me - kill joy - and then he TRANQUILIZED me?! I'd like to muzzle him I'll tell you that right now!

The human brought me home - took this fuzzy shot of my head (below) where I was shaved, cut and stitched...do you have any idea how humiliating that is for someone of my stature??!! I suppose I'll get over it - like on the 12th of NEVER!!!

I spent the better part of 48 hours zonked out of my mind...unable to growl, bite or attack anyone or anything. It's been pretty miserable kid - and all because I wanted a bigger brain!

There was a bright spot, however...the human told her friends and they brought me a treat for my suffering...they also brought a picture of a BAD KITTY...just look at that face will you? Pitiful excuse for a 4-legged creature...why, if I felt better I would have chewed up that pic and spit it out! Remember kid, the only good kitty is one that comes in the form of PUDDING! Along with the picture the friends brought me ice cream from McDonald's...only the best ice cream on the planet if you ask me...and some dead roses - which if the human would put down on the floor I would happily pee on. In my drug-induced state I am happy to report that my pee-er still works...just thought you'd like to know. Which reminds me - time I sneak off to the living room to make a little "sculpture" for the human...to thank her for having part of my brain removed!

Now kid, before I end this pithy epistle, let me remind you of one thing - 'cause it's the one true thing in this dog-eat-~~dog~~ cat world...

DOG'S RULE!

Grrrrrrr....

2010-12-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

Hey kid! How are your two feet workin' these days? As you know, I've got four, which makes me superior, but then you already knew that!

Listen up now - I know it's been over a month since I've stopped by to post but the human hogs the computer! And aside from that I've got two dang bunnies camped out in the front forty twenty-four-seven...it's all I can do to manage the Three P's...Patrol, Poop and Pee! Hehehehe...luckily for me I'm an expert at all three!

So kid, here's what I wanted to tell you, it's short and sweet, but as important as the tail between my legs...say kid, why is it humans don't have tails?!? Everyone knows having a tail is a sign of superiority...yeah, I used that word AGAIN...because I CAN!!! So as I was saying...this is as important as my tail...so hear me and hear me good...DOG'S RULE!

Call Me Mouser, Hear Me Roar!.

2010-11-08T09:14:00.001-08:00

That's right kid, there's a mouse in the house! And I think you know how I feel about rodents...they make for a great tasting pie! I'm 'bout to get me some rodent pie, too, just as soon as I catch the varmint that's been terrorizing the human. She now walks around the kitchen stepping on piled up phone books or chairs, skeeeered out of her mind over that stinkin' rodent...but I say nothing, nope...I sit and wait and when the time is right I'll strike!!! Rodent Pie for dinner Tonight!
So kid, let me ask you a question...what do you think of Daylight Savings Time? Do you like it? Well, I HATE IT! The humans think they get to sleep in an extra hour but do I let them?!?! Heck no! I do not subscribe to Daylight Savings Time...when it's 7:00 A.M. it's 7:00 A.M. even if the clock says 6:00 A.M. Who thought up this stupid thing anyway?!? I need to pee at 7:00 A.M., not an hour later...sheesh! The humans had a fit when I gently reminded them of this...telling me to "Go back to Sleep...Lay Down...Night-Night," etc., etc., so I had no choice but to let them know that IT WAS TIME...yes, teeth were involved but don't worry, there was no blood...this time!

Okay kid...time to get back to work - there's a mouse with my name on it in the house...but not for long! Now kid, remember this, 'cause it's as plain as the nose on your mug...DOG'S RULE!

Peeing In the Patch...

2010-10-15T10:46:00.001-07:00

That's right kid, I've been to the pumpkin patch and I've left my mark! Let this be a lesson for you, if you go to pick pumpkins and they have a rather fragrant aroma, or as the human would say, an ODOR, then you can be sure either me or one of my many canine friends has PEED on your pumpkin! Hahahahaha, it's just our way of saying Happy Halloween!

Now kid, take a looksy at the picture below - that's how it's supposed to be! Crikey, that dog has got it made in the shade! But that's not how I roll, oh no, I've got to be on patrol 24/7 or else the vermin that live around the manse would move right on in!

The human emailed me that picture from her trip...yeah, that's right, she got to go on vacation but not me! Oh no, there's no rest for the weary! Got to get back at it kid, but remember this, 'cause it's as clear as that thing you call a nose on your face....DOG'S RULE!

I've Seen Everything!

2010-09-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

Hey Kid - Boy have I got a bone to pick today - not a T-bone, just a regular pain-in-my-hind-quarters-bone! It's not bad enough that I get left out of things...like trips to McDonalds, walks around the block, vacations with the fam...yeah, those things happen all the time but do I complain?!?!? Heck no, I'm not that kind of dog...hehehe...I prefer to bite than whine! Here's the bone...the human went on vacation and left me home with my brother - he was supposed to babysit me but let's be honest, we all know who was in charge! When the human came home she showed me pics from her trip - so take a look at this!

That's my human Aunt Joni, and the little guy is my nephew Max, the little humanoid who is trying to steal my thunder as "numero uno" around here...but I still have more teeth than him....I digress...don't pay any attention to my aunt or Max...look at THAT BEAST THAT IS RIDING ON THE ATV!!! Unless I'm mistaken - he has FOUR legs and a tail and no self-respecting dog would ever ride when he could RUN along side!
If only I'd been there - I would have yanked a hold of that mutt's tail and pulled him off of there! And THIS IS WHY the human needs to take me with her on vacation!

Okay kid, I'm through venting - time to go chew on something, like the human's pillow or maybe one of her shoes...it's the least I can do! Now kid, memorize what I'm about to tell you and you'll never be unhappy...DOG'S RULE!

Tucker...R.I.P.

2010-08-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

Hey there Kid! Thanks for stopping by - I've got some bad news - very bad news. The human tried to break it to me gently when she told me my best friend Tucker went to that great kennel in the sky...but I've got to say, it stung. Tucker was, how should I put this...he was...well, he was trained. When he was called he went. When he had to go potty he went...outside - he never did find the humor in peeing on walls! When he was told to stay, sit, lay down, well, he did. He did everything he was told. The human called him a good dog. Said he was sweet and loving and good to the bone. Now kid, don't get me wrong, but really, a dog who MINDS his human is crazy, but far be it for me to talk ill of the dearly departed.

While the human remembers Tucker as being sweet and happy, I'll remember him running through his house with muddy paws while his human had a kaniption fit! I'll remember him traipsing through the bushes in his backyard, not caring how he trampled them. I'll remember him jumping up with joy when he saw ME, sniffing my behind like a champ, and the two of us sharing a laugh at the humans expense. That's the Tucker I Know and love.

To pay my respects I stopped by Tuckers old house today, did some sniffing around and then peed on a bush...it was the least I could do, and I know Tucker would have appreciated it.
Now kid, say a little prayer for Tucker, wipe your eyes and hold fast to the truth...DOG'S RULE.

Play Ball!

2010-08-03T15:31:00.001-07:00

Hey there Kid! The human has been telling me stories about the Dog Catcher...as if! She claims that's the reason I am no longer allowed to roam free in the back forty...Dog Catcher! What is this Dog Catcher she speaks of?!? In all my years NO ONE has ever CAUGHT me unless I've let them and that's not about to change now! Oh sure, I may be a bit slower but my teeth are still as sharp! I say, Lemme at 'em! I'll teach the Dog Catcher a thing or two (and in the process I'll have myself a nice taste of ANKLE!)

Here's what's been going on lately...the human grandkid arrived - at first he was okay but then he started to annoy me...he loved playing with this toy - it shoots balls into the air and he thought it was so funny...but kid, check this out...

By the time I got through teaching him how to play ball IN MY HOUSE, the little squirt opted to sit and suck his thumb! And once again kid, ALL HAIL CAESAR!

Now kid, listen up, don't be a dunderhead, this is truly important and will probably save your ankles, if not your life...DOG'S RULE!

Happy 4th of July...

2010-07-04T09:19:00.001-07:00

Hi there Kid...Hope you're having a bang-up day! As you can see, I'm as patriotic as can be - thanks to the Human and her costume bag!
It seems the human has a costume for me for every holiday...and kid, look closely, do I LOOK HAPPY to you?!? Whatever, I do what I can to make the human happy...for one reason and one reason only...on July 4th I'm getting a bone!! Oh yeah! A nicely grilled T-bone...now THAT'S worth some fireworks! Speaking of fireworks...I personally hate them...I'd like to blow up a few humans but I'd use silent bombs...the noise is a bit irritating if you ask me.

Does it look like I have a kink in my neck? Hahahaha...no kid, sorry to disappoint, but I'm singing the National Anthem - just like I do every 4th of July - the human likes to be entertained and I aim to please...remember, there's a T-bone in it for me at the end of the day!
Now kid, listen up, if you're stupid enough to light fireworks off this holiday, please, for the love of all that is furry, don't go blowing off any fingers...if you want to get rid of your fingers just give me a call, I'm happy to chew them off for you! And kid, remember this, 'cause it's the most important thing to know on this special day...DOG'S RULE!

I SCREAM For Ice Cream!

2010-06-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

Hey there kid! Sorry about the long time between posts - I've been on patrol 24/7...and almost caught me some DEER! Well, I would have snagged one had I been allowed out of the house! Two deer just strolled right up in front of the manse...then sauntered down the side of the property and ate one of the human's plants - man was she irked! I tell you, had I been out there I would have taken one large piece out of that deer's ankle and he would have been mine...ALL MINE!

I was finally rewarded for my excellent patrol skills with an ice cream cone. Now kid, there is no one on the planet who loves ice cream more than me! And vanilla is my personal favorite, although I'd not walk away from any other flavor!

The human can be quite...what's the word? Oh yeah, HUMAN! That's it, the human can be quite human when she wants to be...and bringing me a cone was proof of that...if only I could get her trained to do it every day!

Okay kid, that's all I've got, time to get back out to the North Forty before those squirrels think they own the place! But before I go, I've got one thing to say, and it's more important than squirrel pie on a sunny day...so listen up...DOG'S RULE!

Fore.....

2010-05-31T09:43:00.000-07:00

Golf is not just for humans...listen up kid, golf is my kind of game...human hits ball, I retrieve and add to my collection...as in, the human is never getting it back. IF she is dumb enough to send it in my direction then she doesn't deserve it back! Now kid, let me explain something here...the human has spent umpteen hours over the years standing outside in front of the manse telling me to "fetch"...I've never once fetched anything and never will...I am NOT her valet! So, why, for the love of all that his hairy and smelly, should I NOW chase after her golf balls and RETURN THEM?!?

And kid, see that quilt I'm all wrapped up in? The human made it for some human baby...but she left it on the bed and I claimed it...hehehehe...just wait until she tries to get it back...it'll be FINGER-PIE FOR ME!

Hear me loud and clear kid, 'cause this is the one thing you can take to the bank: DOG'S RULE!

Ahhh...There's Nothing Like the Smell of Urine in the Morning!

2010-05-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

Hey there kid! Let me ask you something...why is it that humans don't like the smell of urine? It's so sweet smelling...with a hint of vinegar...rather refreshing, I'd say...so why does the human take UMBRAGE with it? Yeah, I said umbrage...wanna make something outta it? I'm sure you don't have a clue as to what it means so go and look it up...I'll wait...NOT! I like to pee...that should go without saying but I like to say it as much as I like to do it...too bad the human can't get over her phobia with urine...maybe if she dobbed a drop or two of it behind her ears and on her wrists she'd be able to smell and appreciate it like I do...just a thought. Okay kid, this is going to be short and sweet because since I DIDN'T pee on the wall this week the human is rewarding me with a bone...hehehe...I didn't pee on the wall...but she said NOTHING about the chewing the carpet in her closet!
It's good to be me kid...and let me remind you, lest you forget...DOG'S RULE!

Don't Mess With My Quilt...

2010-04-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

Hey there kid! Let me ask you a question...why is it humans are so hard-headed?!? Seriously kid, I tell the human, in NO uncertain terms, to LEAVE my quilt alone and what does she do? She thinks I'm playing...she thinks I don't mean it...she thinks she can pick it up anytime she wants and fluff it or fold it or do all kinds of irritating things with it...but kid, I'm here to tell you...SHE CAN'T!
Do I LOOK like I'm playing here? I try to be nice - I really do - but the human is so dang hard-headed and she just won't listen...then I have to get all worked up, take a few nips out of her wrists and finally, as she backs away, she gets my point...but does she say she's sorry? Does she apologize for trying to steal my quilt? Does she offer up a nice little Snausage and ask for forgiveness? HECK NO! She calls me a BAD DOG and scampers off holding her wrists like it's broken! Sheesh! Humans are so weird!

So kid, let me remind you, lest you forgot...DOG'S RULE!

I'm Baaaaaaaack!

2010-04-13T08:05:00.000-07:00

Hey Kid! Kid! You there?! So sorry I've been away - it's been brutal around the manse...new family of squirrels moved in along with their 10 illegitimate kids! What a racket they make! It's all I can do to keep them in line...and soon, very soon, one of them is going to grace my table in the form of a squirrel pie! Now kid, here's the skinny...the human went out of town, took the laptop with her (which is the best way for me to get on the computer - the big computer is on her desk and every time I get up there she throws a royal fit!) So with the laptop gone I had to wait until she returned...and wouldn't you know it...my sister got sick so the human had to stay away longer and then...when she returned SHE was sick...so she refused to even unpack the laptop! I had no choice but to bide my time, licking my paws, until she was up and at 'em. But kid, you know there's never a happy ending in Dog World, and to prove that point, feast your eyes on this:Baby Max arrived on the scene just as things were getting back to normal...as in a daily trip to McDonald's for ice cream! He entered my domain like a tornado over Kansas and invaded every part of my kingdom...even my bath. Now kid, you know I hate baths, but I hate Baby Max enjoying a bath IN MY TUB EVEN MORE!!!! Okay, kid, time for a Snausage...every time I don't bite the little buggar I get a treat...I guess it's not all bad. Until next time kid, remember this, 'cause it's the only thing that's forever...DOG'S RULE!

Bath Time With Friends...

2010-03-01T07:56:00.000-08:00

Oh Kid, what a DAY I've had! Isn't it enough that I have to patrol the manse and the entire grounds by myself? Isn't it enough that I have to share my bed with two large humans who snore? Isn't it enough that I'm only allowed to go to McDonalds twice a week? Apparently not...it seems when it comes to Canines, there is NEVER enough we have to do for humans. Case in point: I discovered a pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room...now kid, you and I both know that nothing is better than a roll in dirty clothes! Aaah the smell...and let me say, for the record, that these dirty clothes belonged to my brother so they were extra stinky! Just the way I like 'em! So I rolled and rolled...and then the human saw me! You'd a thunk I was rolling in cow dung! Next thing I know I'm up to my ears in hot water...literally!
She drops me into the tub, all smiles and sings me a bath-time song...I would have hurled but kid, if there's one thing I learned early on it's this...do not hurl into your OWN bath water. So I sucked it up...and then, the human in all her cheeriness decides that I'm not happy enough, so she gave me a "bath pal"....a rubber ducky...which I plan to destroy the minute the human leaves the house today. I don't like baths and I don't like bath pals. I tried to show the human just how serious I was about that by holding her hand under water with my teeth...all that got me was a scolding and a slap on the head...but there's always next time!

So kid, here I am, naked, humiliated and...fully immersed into planning my revenge!

Now you know I'm not ever one to advocate revenge...hehehehehehe, but I do have valid reasons, so let me recap for you:
1. I hate baths.
2. I hate bath pals/toys/floaty things.
3. I hate having my smell removed and replaced by LAVENDER BOUQUET SHAMPOO.
4. I hate having my picture taken when I'm wet and naked...gee, I wonder how the human would like that?!?
5. I hate doing what the human makes me do.
6. I hate everything.

Six excellent reasons for revenge, when really, only one is needed. The war is on and I'm going to get me some SATISFACTION! I promise you this...this ain't over until the FAT LADY SINGS...and she's going to be singing real soon - loud and off-key - but soon!

Until next time kid, remember this, 'cause it'll hold up in a court of law...DOG'S RULE!

Happy Belated Valentine's Day...

2010-02-17T08:17:00.000-08:00

Hey Kid - hope your Valentine's Day was as eventful as mine...wroof! wroof! Yeah, whatever...like I need a day for the human to tell me she loves me! Paaaaleeeeeze! She can't walk within ten feet of me without drooling "You're mommy's good boy" or "Mommy loves you!" and if that's not gag-worthy, then how about this...for Valentine's Day she actually had me "model" the new fabric she purchased...told me she was going to make me a new Valentine's quilt because I was her "real boy and she's my real mom and she's going to love me forever and a day...amen." Yes kid, she actually said amen.
Do you get it now kid? Do you see what I have to put up with? Is it any wonder that I make "sculptures" in the living room or "decorate" the table leg? Sheesh! You try drifting off to dream land when some large hulking creature interrupts your sleep with baby talk and Valentine fabric! Now, if she'd actually given me a real quilt, that might have been different! Nothing I like better than chewing on a quilt! Hehehehehe...so kid, in the spirit of Valentine's day, allow me to say, as the human might, "I wuv yous...do yous wuv me too?" Oh and a kid, just in case you forgot...DOG'S RULE!

Beware The Demonoid!

2010-02-10T13:58:00.000-08:00

Yo Kid! Ever wonder what a Demonoid is? Well, wonder no more...I've got actual proof of one...oh yeah, they're real...and in case you live in travel-trailer without and antennae and have no idea what I'm talking about, allow me to illuminate...a demonoid is a devil dog...a dog with absolutely NO MANNERS, and an atrocious BODY ODOR that cannot be explained; and when you mix those two unforgivable components with extreme HALITOSIS and DROOL, I think you'll get a clear picture of a Demonoid...but just in case...allow me to present one for you:
Meet Bubby Jay...yeah, you've met him before...but now he's not just a pest who whines for biscuits and destroys stuffed animals...now he's a DEMONOID who calls himself SUPER BUBBY! I know, whatever...and really, what's with the hat? I don't want to use the word GAY but I think you can see I have no choice...SUPER BUBBY is truly a DEMONOID...if you see him, steer clear...do not, I repeat, DO NOT, go near him...he's shifty, slippery, stinky and just plain foul and if you ignore this warning he'll have you on all fours howling at the moon before you can say Caesar-Beezer-The-Wonder-Dog-Is-Always-Right!

Oh, and kid, in case you think I'm making this up, let me remind you of who has the sharpest teeth around...that would be me...so believe me or risk gangrenous ankles in the future...your choice. One more think kid, and I hope you know this comes from the heart...DOG'S RULE!

2010-01-28T08:27:00.000-08:00

Hi there kid! Brace yourself - this ain't no fairy tale...but it might as well be 'cause I ain't never heard of a more clever canine in my life! My human told me about a dog named Brynn (yeah, that's right, Brynn...and before you go laughing just remember that Brynn has TEETH!). This dog has got it made - as in, he's managed to convince his humans that he "don't hunt" ...the Holy Grail for Canines. Let me 'splain...if a dog don't hunt it's because either he's REALLY injured or sick, in which case he is taken to the vet and sent to dreamland, and may he R.I.P. - OR - as in Brynn's case, he is a BRILLIANT SCHEMER who has actually become the master over his humans. All dogs allow their humans to THINK they're in charge - but Brynn has actually done it...the Canine Paradigm has shifted and he rules his humans WITHOUT ankle biting, indoor peeing, and feather-pillow chewing! Here's what he does...He pretends his hind leg has given out on him...even fooled his vet! I'm telling you straight, he's a master! Kid, listen up, you heard of Shooting The Moon, like when you play cards? Well, my little two-legged friend, Brynn has done and shot the moon! His humans are 100% convinced he is disabled!!! He's freakin' brilliant! He drags his back leg around behind him...but just when his humans are looking...and they go all weepy-like and insist on carrying him!! They dote on his every need - round the clock! He even gets carted to swimming lessons at a posh doggie pool every week! Heck, my human didn't say but I'd bet my next Snausage that he even gets special food, as in steak, chicken and pork...grilled to perfection!
So here he is kid...a master of deception, the only canine on the planet worthy of MY admiration. When I think of the greatest dogs throughout history, I think of...Lassie, Rin-Tin-Tin, Marmaduke, Scoobie-Do and now, I'll be adding one more name to that list...Brynn! Now kid, I've just got one more thing to say...and it's the Gospel truth...DOG'S RULE!

So Long Symon!

2010-01-25T08:07:00.000-08:00

Hey there kid - long time no yap! So kid, flip on your thinker and try to remember back when I introduced you to my nephews Symon and Murphy, they're my human sister's dogs. Murph's an okay dude...loves to eat, sleep and knows where the best spots are to bury his poop. As any dog should. Symon on the other hand has always been a bit of a pest...he can't jump...but don't YOU go jumping to any conclusions and think that white dogs can't jump - 'cause that just ain't so and if you dare to even think it I'll be happy to take out your left ankle! Now, back to Symon - along with not being able to jump, Symon ONLY excelled at two things...peeing, for which I'm quite proud of him, and kissing...he's a licker, without any discrimination whatsoever. Now, word on the street is the little pest was sent to live with Uncle Spencer - they packed up his Snausages and his crate and off he went! Sad for Symon, sad for my sister, but not sad for Baby Max!
Take a look at this photo...Think Symon was after any lunch leftovers on Baby Max's face? Nope, think again...he's just a licker. Poor Baby Max was busy with his shoe...but Symon saw a chance to move in and took it. Can't really fault him for that but I wonder how long before Baby Max would have bitten off Symon's tongue!?! So Symon has a new family...and the human, after telling me that Symon was sent packing, wanted to reassure me that she would NEVER send me away...so she made me a Valentine quilt and tucked me in and I played along...a nice forlorn look kept her waiting on me for half the day....hehehehehe...like I've always said, Kid...it's good to be me. And kid, let me say one more thing...'cause it's the Holy Grail of truth...Dog's Rule!

Poor Indy....

2010-01-09T15:23:00.001-08:00

Hey there kid - Feast your eyes on this poor lug...his name is Indy and he might be a looker but kid, I almost hate to relay this, he's got serious human issues. Poor Indy is left outside in the cold all day...and when I say cold I mean 20 degrees! Somebody call the Dog Police!!! But that's not all...he has to sleep in the garage...in a CAGE!!! Man, that just burns my tail! Not even a twin size bed, which is practically uncanine in and of itself...but a CAGE! Wait...there's more...Indy's human makes him stay on the rug by the door during those few minutes a day when he's allowed in...and no treats are allowed whatsoever...no macaroni and cheese, no licking the cereal bowl, no toast crusts...nothing!

I know, I know, it's criminal....and why am I telling you this?!?! Well, I have a confession...my human is related to Indy's human...she's his sister. Trust me kid, she has done her best to talk sense into that man but he is beyond help - he thinks a dog SHOULDN'T be able to bark incessantly, or bite their owner...he's nothing but a FREAK OF NATURE!
Now kid, before you run off and slit your wrists, I've got good news...check out my pal Oreo above...he's what's known in the Pedigree world as a mutt....and kid, I've got it on good authority that Oreo regularly pees on the rug in his living room...Hehehehehe...that's just warms your heart now, doesn't it?! Oreo lives in Salt Lake City - his human is my human's sister...and she is totally oblivious to Oreo's peeing...which makes him A-OKAY in my book.

So you see kid...for every dog that is forced to obey there are two dogs who are allowed to run wild...and that's the way God wanted it to be. Now kid, hear me loud and hear me clear....

DOG'S RULE!

Happy Freakin' New Year!

2010-01-01T08:44:00.001-08:00

Hi ya Kid - Hope you had a great Christmas - I sure did. The human and Santa were very good to me and I received everything I asked for and then some...and as well I should, after all, I've been very, very good! Also, both the human and Santa were probably afraid of having their ankles "altered." Whatever, it was a great holiday and now, after a week of merry-making, I'm just plain pooped...pooped...love that word...reminds me of something...oh yeah, the little "sculptures" I've been designing and leaving for the human to find in the living room! Hehehehe....it's good to be me.
.New Year's Eve the humans stayed up late, ringing in the new year by watching TV...they're right-regular-party-animals those two...and as irritating as it was, I played along . I positioned myself between them on the pillows and with one eye open I watched the silly ball drop in Time's Square...and then watched the Space Needle blow up...

B O R I N G !

At no point during the fascinating TV coverage was food featured, there were no cats, squirrels or vermin of any kind being shown, and as far as I could tell, no "sculptures" or pee-puddles were made...and you call that a celebration?!? Please kid, riddle me this...WHEN one is forced to stay up past one's bedtime...and one is not allowed outside to chase down the freaks setting off fireworks in the park behind the manse...and one is not allowed to sample any of the appetizers one's humans devour in front of one because one is told it might upset his tummy...and then, after all that...one is forced to wake up at the crack of dawn and sent outside in the cold and rain to pee...how is that fair?!?

Okay kid, while I try to make up for lost sleep, I've got the perfect New Year's Resolution for you, say it daily, loud and clear: I RESOLVE TO NEVER FORGET...DOG'S RULE!

My Human Brother...

2009-12-16T09:05:00.000-08:00

Hey there kid - Sorry to have to shock your eyes with this but I can't be the ONLY one to see it! My brother, who thinks he's normal, insisted on wearing his new Russion hat on my nightly jaunt around the manse. Yeah, I make him carry me, what of it? Listen kid, when you're on patrol day in and day out, well, if YOU can get a human to carry you then I say go for it!
My brother is a good sport - he carries me around like the prince that I am...but then he takes me up to his lair and wants me to stay there...listen kid, you know I like foul smelling things...like socks and dirty tee-shirts...YUM-O...but there aren't enough Snausages in all of Dog-ville to keep me in my brother's room...it smells THAT bad! Say kid, are you ready for Christmas? The human is counting down the days...9 left to go...this year I'd better get me a nice, slightly charred T-Bone or SOMEBODY'S ankles are going to BLEED!! Hehehehehe...now kid, since Santa's Elves are watching and taking names...it's best to be nice, unless you're me, of course...and it's best to remember this, 'cause it'll make your Christmas much more merry...DOG'S RULE!

Mickey the Mutt...

2009-12-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

Hey there kid - Sorry I haven't been around - I've just been so busy reading the thousands of Christmas cards I get every day...okay, maybe hundreds....dozens...fine, ONE STINKIN' CHRISTMAS CARD...think that's funny?!? Where's the one from you?!! Seriously kid, I'm your pal, your buddy, your furry-faced friend...so the least you can do, and by least I mean scraping the bottom of the barrel least, is send me a Christmas card! It would mean so much to me kid...really...and if you include a picture I promise NOT to pee on it...the card, not the picture! Hehehehe...I crack myself up!
Now kid, meet my new friend Mickey...ain't she a beauty? She lives in Sacramento with her human, who happens to be an old friend of my human - yeah, I wasn't interested in that fact either! Kid...take a good look at this pic...notice anything besides her incredibly cute Christmas costume? (Clothing on dogs is so uncanine-like - but I rather like it on Mickey!) Mickey has FREE REIGN at her pad...she's ON THE STINKIN' COUNTER!!! She probably eats Filet Mignon for breakfast and sleeps in a king-size bed, too! She's livin' the life, Kid...in the last 10 years that I've been with the human I've never once set paw on the counter! So...I'd say this is leg-up for dog-kind...Mickey, you've given me hope...and a new goal...I've taken over the bed and next I'm going to claim the KITCHEN!!! All hail Mickey, the KITCHEN GOD...oh, sorry, I spelled that backwards...I meant to say the KITCHEN DOG!!!

Kid, I don't want to ruin your Christmas or anything but I think you can see the handwriting/pee on the wall...won't be long now before you're wearing the leash...DOGS RULE!

P.S. Happy Birthday to the Human...she's 39...AGAIN! Now THAT'S funny!

Merry Freakin' Christmas...and Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-21T08:24:00.000-08:00

Hi ya Kid! I've got good news and bads news...first the bad...the turkey isn't even thawed and the human has gone and put Christmas crappola all over the manse! She wanted to surprise my dad on his birthday with the Christmas tree...and was he ever surprised...NOT! She does this every year except that THIS year she started dragging stuff out the day BEFORE my dad's birthday...November 17th!!! Now kid, really, what could I do but smile and go along with it...but then, you guessed it, she turned her gnat-like attention to me...
Yeah, I'm handsome, debonair and suave...goes without saying although I do love saying it...but kid, I strongly object to being forced to wear my Santa hat more than a month BEFORE Christmas! Which brings me to the good news...see those little houses around the base of the Christmas tree? Well....hehehe...I plan to pee on each and every one of them...just my way of letting the human know who's boss...it's good to be me.

Turkey day is almost upon us and I'd like to say how thankful I am...it's hard to be humble when you're me but kid, I want you to know that I'm thankful for you, my kind reader who allows me to educate you on the finer points of being a dog...not that you'll ever get the chance to be one but those are the breaks...and kid, I'm thankful to be a dog because...say it with me...DOGS RULE!!!

Eat Your Hearts Out...

2009-11-02T15:50:00.000-08:00

Yeah Kid, I'm talking to you...feast your eyes on all this beauty...on top of the quilt on top of the sofa...basically on top of the world! Let me ask you somethin' kid, mano y mano, do you get to lay on top of the sofa? Do you get to lay around all day if you want? Do you get to ignore people whenever you want? Yeah, I DIDN'T THINK SO! Okay kid, I'll stop rubbing your nose in it... I know you can't help it...it's tough being a human...but kid, I'm here for you...I feel your pain...actually, let me rephrase that...you'll feel MY pain if I ever see you laying around on YOUR behind doing nothing...I'll take your fingers off so fast you'll think you were struck by lightning! Sucks for you kid...but you're not me...and I only have one more thing to say...DOG'S RULE!

2009-10-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

Hey Kid - Wait till you hear this!!! I was minding my own beezwax, as usual, sleeping on the sofa when I happened to look up...and just what do you think I saw??? I'll tell you what - A STINKIN' KITTY!!! I flew into action and stormed the door - I only had KITTY CASSEROLE on my brain but the human was not cooperating...oh no...she had to get her camera and document the event!

So I growled and I bit and I clawed on her leg until finally she put down her camera and opened the door...I tore out onto the deck - slid around and around and put the FEAR OF THE GRIM REAPER himself into that kitty....right before it jumped down and ran off with it's tail between it's legs!

Two more seconds and it would have been mine!!!!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA....ALL MINE!!!!

Needless to say Kid, I've been on constant patrol ever since...if that stinkin' kitty even so much as puts one hairy paw onto my estate I swear I'm going to get it...I'll risk whatever hairballs might be in store...and I'll have myself a Kitty Casserole "fur" sure!

Now kid, hear me loud and hear me clear...THE ONLY GOOD KITTY IS THE ONE WHO ENDS UP IN MY CASSEROLE...oh, one more thing... DOG'S RULE!

Bubby Jay...

2009-10-20T10:13:00.001-07:00

Hey there Kid...brace yourself...you might even want to put on some protective eye-wear because what I've got to show you is SHOCKING, to say the least! Hehehehehe...naw, not really, but I'd like to go on record by saying that Bubby Jay, the human's nephew, is NOT A REAL DOG. No, he may LOOK like a real dog and he may SOUND like a real dog but he's more like a moth...truly kid, I would not lie to you about something as serious as a dog's pedigree...Bubby Jay, is hyper-active, annoying and really, he's just a pest...there, I said it, so sue me Aunt Joni! Bubby Jay has been the understudy to Muffasa, aka Oreo, for years...hoping Muffasa would kill over and die so he could take the lead...but Bubby, if you're reading this, I've got three things to say to you...
#1 You're no Muffasa
#2 You never will be
#3 That is the gayest costume I've ever seen!

Okay kid, now that you've had yourself a good laugh, say a little prayer for Bubby Jay...he needs all the help he can get! Oh, and a kid, I've got one thing to tell you and it should pasted to the back of your brain so you never forget...DOG'S RULE.

Another Year...Another Costume...

2009-10-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

The human will never learn...a few years ago I had to wear a vampire costume, then last year my sister made me wear a pig costume...this year I'm a pumpkin...Kid, what's the deal with costumes?!? Why can't the human see I COME WITH MY OWN COSTUME...I'M A DOG!!

I guess it could be worse, this year my costume only consists of a felted green color and an orange hat - but dang if that hat doesn't keep sliding over my eyes! And the human thinks it's "SO CUTE!" Gag me!

Now kid, you know I love pumpkins...they are GREAT to PEE on! Hehehehe....and let me tell you, I did my share of peeing-on-the-pumpkins at the ol' pumpkin patch!

As usual kid, the human was not amused with my pee...she was worried that some little kid would come along and pick up the pumpkin and get my pee all over themselves...Hehehehe...now THAT would be funny! Don't worry kid, I'm sure it will rain before that happens...NOT! Anyway, since the human was not happy with my behavior she put me in a wheelbarrow and my peeing time was over...finished...done...what a bore!

Kid, if you get a chance to go to the pumpkin patch, here's a heads up for you...smell the pumpkin first, if it smells like freshly squirted dog pee then you'll know I saw it first!

Happy pumpkin picking kid! And remember this, 'cause it's the dang truth...DOG'S RULE!

Mad Cow or Doggy Dementia??

2009-09-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

Hey kid! Hang onto your beanies here 'cause I've got some BIG news and I know you'll be interested in this...I overheard the humans talking this morning - talking about me. Apparently the humans think there is something wrong with me...they don't find my biting and snarling as funny as I do! Imagine that! Oh sure, I get the whole "biting is bad" thing...and maybe when I bit my dad I went just a bit too far...but the blood was so COOL!

So get this...the humans said I had Doggy Dementia or even Mad Cow Disease...please, do I look like a cow?! Just in case you don't know what dementia is, I'll tell ya....it means nuts, as in coo-coo, as in crazy as a loon, as in off my rocker! Now kid - here's the funny part. My humans are two of the craziest humans on the planet and they think I'M the one with problems?!?!?! Man, all I want is a Snausage and the King size bed to myself...is that too much to ask?!? Does that make me demented??? So kid...let me ask you...do I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU?!? Yeah, I know, silly question...Me crazy!!! Now THAT'S funny! Okay kid, you can have yourself a good laugh over that one - and now I've got to run, I've got some patroling to do before it gets darks so remember what I always say, 'cause it's truer than Santa Claus...DOG'S RULE!

Waiting is my Life...

2009-09-16T08:56:00.001-07:00

So Kid...listen to this! The Human was sick, so my dad brought her dinner...and you're not going to believe this but she threw a fit when she saw it was from McDonalds!! She said something like Chicken Nuggets aren't fit for DOGS let alone humans! Yeah, so you see, she really WAS sick - I mean, let's get real here...Chicken Nuggets are right up there next to Snausages and you KNOW how much I LOVE THEM! But kid, here's the kicker...she ATE them...ALL OF THEM...and I was left with my choice of Ranch, BBQ or Buffalo Sauce! Stinkin' Human!! I was tempted to help myself to one of her PINKIE'S...and you know kid, a pinkie dipped in BBQ Sauce just might have hit the spot! Now kid, let me refresh your memory because I'm certain it's as short as the humans'...and this is dang important...so don't ever, ever, not even in a million years forget it...DOG'S RULE!

2009-09-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

Hi ya kid...man, what a great time I've had lately...the human is sick. Says she has something called vertigo...makes her walk into walls and fall on the floor...it's darn funny! Nothing like seeing the human do a complete face plant and then wrastle around on the floor!!! Of course, it's the perfect opportunity for me to take a nip or two from her ankles...just to see if she's still breathing!

Kid, let me tell you, I've had more belly laughs lately than you could imagine! When the human isn't falling over her feet she's in bed sleeping...and I'll admit that sleeping next to the human is my favorite way to pass the time. I wait until she's asleep then I move from the bottom of the bed to the top of her head...it's quite comfy up there and usually I can get in 40 winks before she wakes up and sends me flying!
Now kid, take my advice and don't try sleeping on your mom's head...you'll just get your panties in a twist, if you get my drift. But hear me loud and clear on this...DOG's RULE and don't you ever forget it!

The Big Winnings...

2009-08-27T07:31:00.000-07:00

Hi ya kid! I want to show you what you MISSED OUT ON!! YOU could have won this beautiful assortment of BLING but you didn't...go have yourself a good cry, I can wait! I'm just sitting on the deck of my manse taking five in the sun...man, it's good to be me! This is my favorite lounge ...of course, I poop in the other lounge on the deck - the one the human sits in! It's the LEAST I can do!

So here's the booty in all it's bounty!

Included are some nice blue chew ropes because the winner has two dogs and some delightful chewy little nuggets I've just discovered, Aussie Wraps, have you had them yet? Oh, probably not because they're for dogs! Some Play-dough because I heard humans like that stuff...some pencils for human homework, and then, just because I couldn't resist, I'm sending the winner a beautiful all-plastic pink dog bowl so she can eat her human cereal from it!! Yeah, that was a great idea wasn't it?!? Oh - check out the pink collar - that's for the human too!!! Then there's some black-lace fingerless gloves, lip gloss, nail polish and a stunning silver bracelet with a diamond and orange-something heart...truly magnificent! I have no idea what all that crappola is for but I figured the human would like it.

I wrapped it all up in cellophane...ain't it glorious?!? And then I turned it over to MY human so she could pay the postage...Hey, I'm NOT stupid!

Oh, there was one more little item in the basket, it's kind of hard to see, but it's a snow-globe with the Space Needle in it...yeah kid, the Space Needle, got a problem with that?!? I happen to live in Seattle and one day I plan to take a ride to the top of the Needle and pee off the top onto the peons below...Hehehehehe, now THAT'S what I call a GOOD GOAL!!!
One last shot for you - a detailed list of everything that was in the prize package...now kid, I don't show you this to make you feel bad (well, maybe a little), I show you this so the next time I say I'm having a contest you'll get off your chubby little hind quarters and enter!

Okay kid, that's all the news I've got today, unless you want to hear about the bunny that "bought it" in the park last night...man did it scream like a banchee! Well, maybe I'll save that for another day...so kid, here's the deal...don't pick your nose unless you plan on eating and sharing it and do me a favor and brush your teeth...nothing worse than a human with bad breath! And kid, remember this, 'cause ain't no one else going to tell you straight up like me...DOG'S RULE!

Hehehehehe...Bad Dog, Bad Dog......

2009-08-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

Well kid, I've gone and done it this time...I bit my dad's nose - that's right, ripped him a new schnoze and there was blood and everything! I'm posting this from behind bars - I've been locked in the laundry room - like that's a punishment! Ha! I've got a pile of dirty laundry to lounge upon and kid, you know me and dirty, smelling clothes...there's nothin' I like better!

When the human opens the door to grumble "bad dog" at me I pretend I'm sorry and hang my head and all that...even went so far as to put my tail between my legs ....hehehehe...she bought it!

So kid, here's the thing, I probably should be feeling sorry for biting my dads nose but he stuck it right between my teeth!! What was I SUPPOSED to do?!?! And really, if you look closely, I think you'll agree that he looks 100% better with the addition of a few teensy-weensy scratch marks! But kid, just so you know, dogs and get away with biting the nose that feeds them but humans can't so don't go getting any ideas about biting your humans nose - it would not a good idea. So while I sit here, nestled all comfy on top of a nice pair of dirty underwear, I just have one more thing I want to tell you...Dog's Rule, and don't you ever forget it.

We have a Weener!

2009-08-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

Hi there kid! Hey, thanks for playing along on my Big Give! We have a weener!! She one of my most faithful and loyal readers - never misses a post...at least not that she'll admit to! Allow me to introduce you to the Weener of my first ever giveaway:

Here she is, Gracie Caroline Geurtzazolli from Salt Lake City Utah. She is pictured with her cousin, Symon...who also entered my contest but apparently Symon didn't understand the rules because only HUMANS could enter, not dogs...although, he's not much of a dog!

So thank you to all who entered...and Gracie Caroline, your beautiful gift basket will be arriving in the mail very soon...it's packed full of my very favorite things and a few things I think you'll like too! Oh and Gracie...don't think that just because you won my Big Give that we're friends...I'll still take a piece of your ankle if the opportunity presents itself! One more thing...Dog's Rule!

The BIG GIVE...

2009-08-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

Okay Kid...Have I got some NEWS FOR YOU!!! I've been writing this blog for a long time now...and you've been so dang good about reading it - well kid, here's what I'm thinking...I'm thinking about havin' a little giveaway to celebrate my 100 plus posts...that's some milestone!

So...here's the poop, I mean scoop...leave me a message telling me what you're favorite snack food is and you'll be entered to win some fabulous prizes...I can't tell you what they are just yet...but trust me - you're going to LOVE them! Oh, in case you're wondering what MY favorite snack food is...well, duh, that's so easy...SNAUSAGES! No wait...make that LIL' SMOKIES!...Oh no, that's not really true...has to be PUPERONI'S!!! Oh my...seems like I don't really have just ONE favorite..but I know YOU do...so leave me a comment and let me know - the giveaway ends on Saturday, August 15th at 5:00 pm PST...tell your friends...share the joy...because I'm going to need at LEAST 50 comments or else someone's going to feel the pain...do you smell what I'm stepping in?? (Hahahaha, got to thank the human Brother-in-Law for that up-to-the-minute saying...smell what I'm stepping in!!! Get it?!?!? Man, I crack myself up!!) whatever you do...always remember this...DOG'S RULE!

WOO-HOO!!! 101 Posts!!!

2009-08-10T12:09:00.001-07:00

Hey there kid! Nice to chat with you again! This is my 101st post...yep, that means I'm not only poetic but prolific...errrr, better go look that word up kid 'cause I'm not about to tell you what it means! Can you see me in that mess of white?!? Look closely!

Alright, here's the skinny...I'm all tuckered out. Been up all night howling at the moon...naw, not really, but I did do my share of barking...those dang raccoons were doing their best to bunker down in the north 40...I, of course, did my best to keep them out. The human was not amused as I apparently kept her awake all night. Whatever...it's not like her disposition is EVER improved with more sleep! So kid, while I can, while the human is away, I'm going to snuggle up in her favorite chair and catch a few winks...between the blogging and the barking I'm due for a break...see ya kid, I'm off to dreamland where I'm going to catch me a squirrel and finally get that squirrel pie!! Oh...and a kid...lest you think I forgot...remember this and don't ever forget it...DOG'S RULE!

Yep, that's me...I dug myself into the humans' favorite comforter...I may even chew on the corner a bit - just to show her who's boss...hehehe...don't want her thinking SHE'S the Alpha dog!!! Hahahaha...now THAT'S funny!

See ya kid - got some serious sleeping to do.

The Dog Days of Summer....

2009-07-30T15:13:00.000-07:00

Hi ya kid! Long time no see! Well, it's my dang fault, I've just been too busy what with all the squirrel nest building that's been going on in the north forty...but now I'm here to tell you that the dog days of summer have arrived. They are days when it's just too stinkin' hot to go outside to eat my bone...and the human...hold on to you hats...the human lets me eat my bone INSIDE!!! I know, I know - who would have thunk it?!?! She's such a clean freak! Anywho, today I'm enjoying a nice rib-eye bone...with the perfect amount of rare meat left on...kid, this is my favorite thing ever...it's the one sport I truly excel at...scraping the bone clean...and let me tell you, I can do it in 2 minutes flat! I'd like to see you do that! Now kid, I'll try to be more diligent about posting...I've got the squirrels living in fear and the bunnies were just traumatized by a chase around the cul-de-sac so I should have some time to share my wisdom with you...and here's what I want you to know today...Dog's Rule - and don't you ever forget it.

2009-06-25T08:07:00.000-07:00

Hi ya Kid! Man oh man have I been up to my collar with bizness! A new squirrel family has moved into the back forty and I've had to spend most of my day on patrol...they are wiley creatures and what I wouldn't give for one toasty squirrel pie! And, the squirrels are not my only problem these days...remember I told you about the human feeding some dang bunny? Well, it's STILL going on...it's exhausing kid - patroling for squirrels and bunnies 24/7...but it's what I do...when I'm not looking for the perfect stair...

I have two stair steps that are MINE...if the human wants to go up or down the stairs and she happens to step on MY STAIR, then it's only right that I take a nip out of her ankle...after all, I have CLAIMED it. She just doesn't understand what MINE means! After a long day of patrolling, I head for MY stair...where I can laze about while keeping one eye open to watch for the bunny...I've got a Pooshits-eye-view of the front porch from My stair...oh, that wasn't a swear word kid - honest - I wouldn't swear...you see, I'm half poodle...hence the poo part and half shihtzu...hence the s**t part...making me a Pooshit...so that's a NOUN and not a swear word so don't go thinking I need my mouth washed out with soap...'cause I'll take yer dang arm off!

And kid, just so you know...I may LOOK like I'm at rest...but let me assure you...I am on full alert...no one, and I mean no one, or no thing gets past me...inside or out of the manse...just try kid...c'mon give it a go...I'll have your ankle for dessert before you can scream, "MOM, THE DINGO IS EATING MY LEG!"

Heheheheeee I crack myself up! Okay kid, that's all I've got for you today...except for this...and it's dang important...Dog's Rule...and don't you ever forget it!

Dogs Are People Too!...

2009-06-08T15:41:00.000-07:00

Hi ya Kid...well you can slap yo grandma and call me crazy but there are some things I just don't understand...take a look at the photo above...what the %*#! is that about?!?!?! Seriously kid, I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry...dressing up a beautiful little girl with a visor and glasses is bad enough but then to make her HANG in some front-loading-granny-pouch is down-right cruel!!! Thank Heavens my human would NEVER do that to me...I know this for a fact as she would rather die than carry around another 20 pounds!

So kid, now that I have your attention...feast your eyes on this poor little lad. It appears he only has two choices, he can either be chained or incarcerated in a plastic TUNA can! And kid, in case you're wondering...those AREN'T choices!! If I had seen this poor soul I would have set him free...I would have taught him how to bite anyone who dares to tie him up...I would have told him how to run like the wind until his owner collapsed with heat stroke...and I would have instructed him on the finer art of being an Alpha Male...as in HEAR ME ROAR!

Okay kid...that's all I've got for you today...time to go pee on the wall, just to show the human who's boss...and let me give you a clue...it ain't her! Now kid, if I've told you this once, I'm sure I've told you a dozen times...but it's truer than the yellow in the sun...Dog's Rule.

Bad Kitty...

2009-06-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

Hi ya kid! Have I got some news for you! Just when I thought the human couldn't be any more crazy, she came home from a friend's house and showed me this picture...yep, that's a cat...and not just any cat...that's Spooky...ooooohhh...Spooky...what a stupid name for a cat! Actually, all names would be stupid on a cat...I mean, seriously kid, who would name a cat anything other than Dinner?!? So, here's the rub...the human shows me the picture and when I growled at it she got mad at me!! Whatever!! Did she really think I was going to lick it and say yum-yum?! Well, I might say yum-yum if Spooky was served to me on a silver-platter!!

Okay kid, got to run, remember that new family of squirrels I told you about? Well, they have refused to run-along as it were...so I'm now devising a plan of harassment and attack that should finish them off for good...it's just a matter of time before I'll finally be eating squirrel pie for dinner! Now kid, remember this, 'cause it's the dang truth....DOG'S RULE!

Style Comes Easy for Me...

2009-05-18T07:32:00.001-07:00

Yo Kid - check it out! I'm sportin' a new scarf - wish I could say it matched my "baby blues" but ya'll know I have brown eyes...the color of you-know-what as the human would say!

Kid - sorry it's been so long since I've posted - big doin's around the manse have kept me from the computer...there's been a new squirrel family that's taken up residence in the oak tree just off the North side of the deck...and man, let me tell you, they are driving me crazy! I've got my eye on the big fat one - she's going to make a nice squirrel pie when I finally catch her!

Okay kid - I've got to get back on patrol - it's a dog's life you know! Now, hear me and hear me loud and clear....Dog's Rule!

Here Bunny, Bunny.....

2009-04-23T17:24:00.000-07:00

Hi ya kid! Just take a look at that bunny, will ya? Doesn't it just look sweet and soft? WRONG! It looks delicious and chewy to me! The human has been feeding this bunny, I've mentioned that before, but what I haven't told you is my plan to catch the dang thing...and I'd tell you now but it's STILL TOP SECRET! I can't trust a human when it comes to bunnies...sorry, kid, not even you.

But, I'll let you in on another secret...that bunny is going to be MY SUPPER very, very soon...and then I think I'll have the human make me a bunny pillow from it's fur...yeah...something for me to rest my head on after a long day on patrol around the manse...man, oh man, it's good to be me! Got to run now kid...take care and remember this, 'cause it's the plum-dang-naked truth: Dog's Rule.

2009-04-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

Hey kid - do I look happy to you?!? Well duh, I'm NOT happy...not one bit happy...the human is outside feeding that stinkin' BUNNY and I'm stuck inside with nothing but my brother's smelly shoes...you know kid, some days it stinks to be me! Now, back to the bunny...the human saw this ferral creature on the estate and so she started throwing carrots out to it...and then next thing you know she's got a bowl on the front porch where she puts carrots - so now that furry rodent actually HOPS UP ON MY PORCH and eats carrots!! The human sees NOTHING wrong with this...so I ask you kid...don't you think I need to take a chunk out of her backside to help her see the error of her ways?!?! She should be feeding ME not some stinkin' bunny!!

I just had a thought...with Easter being just around the corner, maybe the human is hatching some plan...maybe she's trying to fatten the bunny up and then she'll let me catch it and eat it on Easter...yeah, I'm SURE that's what she's doing!!! The human can't possibly LIKE that rodent! Okay kid, time to go make my rounds...till next time, remember this, 'cause it's the Gospel truth...Dog's Rule!

Aaaah...The Daily Treatment...

2009-03-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

Hiya Kid! Welcome to my personal spa! Every morning, when the human gets out the hair dryer, I go running - hey, if SHE gets to be swathed in hot air then so do I! There's nothing better kid than laying on a nice plush Oriental rug and having the human gently blow my fur back and forth and back and forth...I'm telling you - it makes up for those dang squirrels that continue to elude me!

If only I could get a tummy-rub while I get my daily treatment...now THAT would be something! Got to run kid, I've been hearing some scratching on the roof - no doubt those vermin are trying to build a nest up there but not to fear - I've alerted the human boy and he's promised to get out his sling-shot...goin' to get me some squirrel by golly...and SOON! See ya kid and remember this...'cause it's the Gospel-truth...Dog's Rule!

In Pursuit...

2009-03-23T08:22:00.001-07:00

Hi ya Kid! Well, here's the good news - it finally stopped raining so I was able to make my rounds and as luck would have it, I was able to pick up quite a few "scents"....yeah, I'm talkin' squirrel! That little beast is back on my turf! If only the human would let me get it!! She tells me to "be nice, it's just one of God's creatures...." Whatever. I'll be nice alright...I'll go easy on the salt and pepper and butter right before I chew it's legs off! One day kid, that squirrel is going to make one nice pie. Okay, gotta run - I'm on duty today, as always. But before I go, remember this...Dog's Rule.

My Trip to the Vet...

2009-03-16T11:21:00.001-07:00

Hey Kid - Saw the vet today, now what can I tell you about the vet? You know a vet is a dog doctor, right? Short for Vegetarian or something like that. Oh, some vets treat dogs AND cats, although I can't imagine why they would. Show me a sick cat and I'll show you a CATserole! So, back to the vet, they also treat other critters...again, I don't know why...I mean, in the human world, a heart doctor only treats hearts and a liver doctor only treats livers...so when I, a dog, go to a dog doctor I should think he would only treat dogs! I'm a one-species kind of guy, as you know, and that species would be the canine species...which is the best...sorry Kid, humans can't be dogs no matter how hard they try! So today I have a few pictures to show you...Just take a look at that face! Peeeshaw!! I wonder if my vet does face transplants?!? Kidding...or should I say, Kittying?! Now take a look at this - if this doesn't make you hungry then I don't know what will!!

TWO CATS...and they were lying on the counter!!! I'd say that was preferential treatment, wouldn't you?!? Did I get to lay on the counter?!? On a nice soft blankie?!?! NOOOOOO! Those cats acted like they owned the place...if my human would have given me half a second I would have showed them who was boss...and then I would have licked my lips!

And take at look at this prima donna...in a cage WITHOUT bars! Where's the justice in that?!? Rather smug looking isn't it?! Listen Kid, just between you and me, I would have made myself a nice kitty sandwich given the chance but I had to be on my best behavior...and here's why...

Do you see what's on the counter in this exam room? Look closely...just to the right of the sink is a needle...I have no idea what it's for but all I know is it was strategically placed so I could see it...just a subtle warning to let me know that if I acted up that needle would find it's way into my hind quarters! This much I know...a needle in the hind quarters ain't pretty!

All this talk of cats has made me hungry...lucky for me my human just stocked up on some Beggin' Strips - they are great to chew on and an excellent substitute for cats...listen kid, there's two things to you need know...one: I've never met a cat I liked and two: Dog's Rule.

P.S. My thanks to my vet for not sticking anything in me...especially you-know-where! And thanks for letting me take pictures of your cats although for the life of me I don't know why you insist on treating them...I mean...do THEY actually PAY you?!? And just out of curiosity, do you have a place on your counter for dogs to lay?!? I'll expect to see one on my next visit...which will be the 10th of NEVER! Kidding...you know I love coming there...not...kidding...sort of...not.

Me Thinks Me Smells A Rat....or a Squirrel!!

2009-03-02T09:46:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah...that's definitely a squirrel I smell...I can pick up their horrid little scent with one nostril tied behind my back! The human saw a squirrel on the deck...she alerted me but by the time I was able to plan my attack the little varmint was gone...just as well, I would have torn it to shreds - oh stop, don't give me that bleeding heart stuff...you KNOW I DESPISE squirrels...they torment me, they prance around my kingdom and mock me...and if I ever get a hold of one, believe me, it'll be Squirrel Pie for Supper!!

So kid, how've you been? I've been fairly lax in my posting as of late but I promise to do better...there's just so much napping one has to do!!! But I appreciate you checking in on me...and kid, remember what I tell you...'cause it's the dang truth...DOG'S RULE!

Wash Day...

2009-02-09T08:34:00.000-08:00

Hey kid....I'm just like you, I mean I have chores to do just like you. Of course, I have to patrol the manse to keep the vermin at bay and I'm always on the lookout for squirrels and bunnies...but I'll bet you didn't know that I have to do my own laundry! Yep, that's right - my human and I actually share the workload - she puts the stuff in the washer and the dryer and then I remove it and put it away...see for yourself:

She's got this thing about cleanliness! She must wash my plush pink pigs at least once a week...just when I get their pointy little heads all nice and mildewed she throws them in the washer! Sheesh!! It's dang hard to find anything smelly in this place and you know how I love smelly stuff! So here I am kid, taking my pigs out of the dryer...and then I go tuck them into the bed, as close to the human's pillow as I can get!

Now kid, I'm not complaining here, well maybe a little but only because my pigs smell SO good after wards that I have to work doubly hard to make them stink! But I'm not complaining about the work...nope, chores are a good thing, especially if you get PAID to do them! Hehehehehehe...all I'm saying is when my chores are done there'd better be a nice Snausage waiting for me! Dog's Rule.

Meet Houdini!

2009-01-19T09:56:00.000-08:00

Hey Kid! Good news...no, make that GREAT news! I have a new member of my fan club and I want you to meet the little guy...his name is Houdini!

Houdini obviously lives in the lap of luxury as you can tell by this shot...his human is attending to his bad hair day while his lobster valet is awaiting his drink order. I must get me a lobster....I'm feeling quite deprived right now...my human sports a lobster lamp but that really is nothing compared to a lobster valet! And as we all know there ain't no lobster that can outwit a dog. And you can take that to the Snausage Jar!

Here's what you need to know about Houdini...he lives in Flordia, chases gekko's for fun and recently mounted an unsuccessful bid for the White House...but hey, we all know Floridians can't count so Houdini, I say, gird up your loins and try again in 2012!!! If you want to read more about Houdini and his humans check him out at:

http://smalldogsthatdontshed.blogspot.com/

In the meantime kid, I know you've heard this time and time again but it's the most important thing you need to know...DOGS RULE!

2009-01-19T09:13:00.000-08:00

Geeze kid I'm sorry! I didn't realize it had been so long since I've been on the computer!! The human is a computer hog, what can I say? I try, but she's bigger than me...MUCH bigger...and when I say MUCH bigger I think you know I mean her thighs are the size of Mt. Rushmore! Hehehehehe...that's what happens when humans insist on NOT sharing their food! Okay kid...here's what I have for you today...a humble little picture of me - being humiliated yet again!

The human put away her Christmas garbage a few weeks ago but found this little number just the other day and she couldn't resist in making me wear it. You see, she made it for me....yeah, I should be thankful...NOT! How would you like to have to go around wearing some red suit with straps under your belly! Fortunately I only had to suffer for a few hours and now it's tucked inside some box until next Christmas rolls around...but my New Year's resolution is to find that box and destroy that suit...wish me luck kid, and remember...DOG'S RULE!

Merry Freakin' Christmas!

2008-12-27T16:11:00.001-08:00

Hey Kid...Merry Christmas and Happy Boxing Day and a Hearty Kwanza to you too! I'm not sure what Kwanza is but I'll tell you this much, if it ain't something I can eat then I'm not interested! Speaking of eating...allow me to give you a little pointer...don't eat yellow snow. Seriously kid, do not. It's not that it will smell bad...far from it...it has rather a piquant aroma....yeah, I said piquant, what of it? And it's not that it will taste bad...there is MUCH worse tasting stuff out there than yellow snow...take BROWN snow for instance!! Hahahahaha....I crack myself up! Here's why you don't want to eat yellow snow...because if it's yellow that means someone had PEEEEEED on it...that's right kid, peed as in potty-o-la, as in number uno...get my drift?!

Yes, it's a beautiful color but kid, you know I wouldn't steer you astray here so just promise me that you won't eat yellow snow...leave that to the professionals, like me!

There has been a lot of snow at my manse lately...but I've been vigilant in my pursuit of squirrels...nothing like a squirrel pie on Christmas! Look at this picture - I've detected a scent and believe me, that little varmint will be mine before the sun sets!

Got to run kid...squirrels to catch, snow drifts to pee on, and wet dirty paws to track in the house...a dog's work is never done...and that's why DOGS RULE!

Snow Patrol...

2008-12-20T08:21:00.001-08:00

Hi ya kid! Boy-howdy do I have news to report!! As you may know, it snowed in my kingdom, it may have even snowed in yours but that's neither here nor there. I love snow and not because I can hide my "bizness" better....nope, it's because I become STEALTH DOG! Yep, you read me right...because I'm covered with a luxurious coat of white fur, when it snows I am practically invisible to all vermin who dare to enter my kingdom...and I think you know which vermin I'm talkin' about....SQUIRRELS!!!

I spent many hours on patrol in the snow...those dang squirrels, if they didn't have trees to climb I'd be eating one right now...and let me tell you, there is NOTHING better than SQUIRREL PIE on a cold, snowy, wintry day!

Hey kid...if you remember only one thing I tell you...then remember this...Dog's Rule!

The Tree!!! Where's the Tree!!!

2008-12-05T16:54:00.000-08:00

Hi ya kid...it's a sad, sad day around the manse, let me tell you right now...I'm in no mood for fluff. Check out this picture...see that tree growing in the middle of my deck? Well, I loved that tree...I spent years peeing on it and chasing squirrels up it...years and years!

Well, today, the tree is no more. Chopped into tiny bits. Killed in the prime of it's life! These humans, they've got no respect for the environment - if only Al Gore lived here!! If only a spotted owl had nested in the top of this regal specimen! Oh woe is me...what will I pee on now?!?

Here's the giant hole the tree left...and let me tell ya, it's big! I immediately checked it for squirrel residue but, just as I suspected, I found none...ain't no squirrel going to leave any residue as long as I'm in charge!

Well, that's it...the tree is gone and there's nothing left for me to say...I guess since I can't pee on the tree I'll just have to pee on the deck...works for me!

Hey kid - just remember this, 'cause it happens to be true...Dogs Rule.

2008-11-24T18:59:00.000-08:00

Hi ya kid! I know you've heard me say this before and I do hate to repeat myself but really...it must SUCK to be human! Take a look at this picture...notice the human HIDING behind me?!? That would be my brother Mike...what a dweeb...he was using me as a shield from our mom. A grown human man/boy hiding behind a little helpless (when I want to be) doggie...pathetic, no?

Well, this is the kind of stuff I have to put up with on a daily basis...and as usual I'm the only one around here who sees things for what they truly are...no matter...by letting my brother use me to defend himself he gave me a BAG full of Snausages! Actually, he meant to only give me one but he dropped the bag and the game was on...of course, I won. Dog's Rule.

2008-11-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

Ahhhhh kid...feast your eyes on this...am I living in the lap of luxury or what?!?! This time of year the human lets me curl up on one of her flannel quilts - warm and cozy - and she lights the fire and I just stretch and sleep and dream and pity the poor ejits of the world like YOU!

Sorry I've been a little lax in posting lately, but as you can see, I've been very busy keeping comfy, cozy and warm....Dogs Rule.

Marie-Therese Gown GIVEAWAY !!!!!!!

2008-10-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

Marie-Therese Gown GIVEAWAY !!!!!!!

Hey kid...I normally don't talk about this kind of thing...human clothes and all...but today, I'm breaking with tradition because I want you all to see the kind of EXTREMES humans go to for halloween! My human wants to win this dress...the good news is I won't have to wear it - it's far too big...the bad news is I fear she'll love it more than me!

Click on the link - you'll be as amazed as I was!

Happy Freakin' Halloween...

2008-10-23T17:50:00.000-07:00

The human made me a halloween quilt...and yeah, I love it...so don't be thinkin' you're going to be touching it or else I'll be thinkin' about getting myself a nice pinky sandwich!

I'm happy to say that so far the human has not mentioned a halloween COSTUME for me...last year I was a vampire...the red cape irritated me to no end - but, in true vampire fashion, I managed to suck some blood...if you get my drift!

Dogs Rule!

Ice Cream on a Plate...

2008-10-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

Listen kid - I heard the human say a picture is worth a thousand words...so, let me tell you what this picture says:

I'm not picky, I'll eat ice cream from a plate

I'm not uppity, I'll eat ice cream from a plate

I'm not stupid, I'll eat ice cream from a plate

I'm not demanding, I'll eat ice cream from a plate

I think you get my drift kid, when it comes to ice cream I'll play ball...if the human wants to feed me from a plate on the floor instead of on a cone, I'm happy to oblige...here's the point...ice cream is good no matter how it's served! Dogs Rule.

The Pumpkin Patch...

2008-10-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

I gotta say kid, being in the pumpkin patch was a little like being in canine heaven...except for the leash, of course! The human made me wear it because there were crows everywhere...and man oh man, if only I could have sunk my teeth into one of them! It would have been a lovely piece of crow pie for me! Look at my brother...he had to wheel the pumpkins around the patch...when the human would point to a pumpkin, I would run to it, pee on it, then wait patiently for my brother to come and pick it up....hehehehehehe...there's NOTHIN' like the smell of fresh pee on a pumpkin! Dogs rule.

Some-buddy Loves ME.....

2008-10-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

Hi ya kid...well lookey here...I've got myself a little present! My human handed it to me and told me to open it, but I wanted to share this moment with you so take a look at how beautifully it's wrapped...yeah, you're right, it's NOT huge...probably not a T-bone in there...but I figure it's about the right size for at least three Snausages...I just hope it's not kibble...I HATE kibble! Okay, I'll get on with it....the suspense is killing me too!

I'm opening it...dang humans - they LOVE their knots! ...Okay - here we go..... It's a....

PIECE OF JEWELRY?!?!? You've got to be freakin' kidding me!!! Hey, now kid, don't get me wrong, a nice piece of jewelry is nothing to sniff at, but when you're expecting Snausages....well, wait a minute - it's not all bad...actually, it's pretty cool...at least the SAYING IS RIGHT! And I do believe those are REAL sapphires...yes, in fact I'm sure of it...this gift came from a DOCTOR! And we all know that doctors and REAL doctors (vets) are L O A D E D !!!

You don't suppose my human is going to make me wear this, do you? It weighs a ton! Well, maybe I will...oh-oh...here she comes...excuse me a minute will you? I'll be right back...

................

..........................

.................................

Well, it appears I won't have to worry about wearing my gift any time soon as my human laughed when she saw the GOOD DOG business...she is under the illusion that I have not been good...whatever....like peeing on a wall is a BAD thing! Sheesh - it's not like I used somebody else's urine! She'll get over it...and I'll get my jewelry back...I'll send you a picture with it on as soon as I get out of the DOG HOUSE!! Aah....one more thing kid...and this is important - no matter WHAT your human says....DOGS RULE!

New Pink Plush Pig!!!

2008-09-29T15:44:00.001-07:00

Hi ya kid! Say, take a look at this beauty! It's my new pink plush pig...you read me right...it's BRAND SPANKING NEW! My brother Mike brought it home for me today...that reminds me, I must remember to lick his feet for him! Now, the reason I'm showing you this pig - other than to brag - is because this will be the ONLY time you see it without a point on top of it's head! I'm on my way to suck on it now...aaahh...it's great being me. Remember kid, no matter what you've heard...Dogs rule.

Max - The Human Baby...

2008-09-16T16:57:00.000-07:00

So he came...and he did his best to annoy me...just look at my face - if I'd had just one extra second before the human walked in I could have had that hand in my mouth! But noooooooo....all I heard was BE NICE CAESAR....BE NICE TO BABY MAX!

Let me put it to you this way kid...I was EXTREMELY nice...did I bite him, even once? No - I did not. Nor did I snap at him or growl...oh, wait, that's a lie - I DID growl...but only when I was forced to sit next to him...or when the human put him on MY QUILT or on MY SPOT or on MY BED!

But...I did not bite. Therefore, I should be rewarded...I'm thinking a trip to McDonald's is in order...

Where's the B?

2008-09-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

Hey kid...check this action! I found this little plastic thing on the floor - and recognized it as the thing the human baby, Max, sucks on...so, being a curious fellow, I decided to give it a go and whatta you know? It was GREAT fun! First I licked off the kids' drool and then I had myself a little suck - most unusual, really, but fun. Then, just as I'm getting the hang of it, I hear the humans say, "Where's the B?" And they're like in some kind of panic mode...Where's the B? Where's the B? Find the B! Find the B!

Now kid, really, how was I supposed to know that the thing I was sucking on was called a B!!! And you might have guessed, the humans were not happy when they found me with it - hehehehehehe...I made them work for it's return, I assure you - even got a Snausage out of the deal! So kid, if you find a B, do not, I repeat, do not surrender it unless you get something in return - apparently they are quite valuable!

Dog's rule.

Watch Dog...

2008-09-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

Hi ya Kid! Take a look at this - my human thought it was funny...

It's a WATCH DOG...Get it?

A dog covered in watches - talk about degrading! Seriously kid, I take my position as a watch dog very seriously, I seriously do! I protect the mansion, patrol the corridors, walk with my nose to the ground around the perimeter and this is the thanks I get! She stuck this picture up above my food bowl - told me she thought I would find it hilarious - well, being a watch dog is NO LAUGHING MATTER, I can tell you that right now!

Humans...if I couldn't bite them, it just wouldn't be worth living with 'em! Tick-tock...I think it's time for a nibble! See ya kid - and remember, Dog's Rule!

It's a Dog Eat Dog World...

2008-09-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

Hey there kid...I'm afraid I've got a touch of the depression. Yep, not even a Snausage can make me smile and as if that's not bad enough, I have NO desire to bite the human! Let me explain what's brought this on...it's that human baby...he's coming to visit tomorrow and I tell ya, I'm not happy about it one bit. Now I'm going to be banished from the sofa, banished from the TV room, banished from everything fun!! No more sitting at the kitchen table waiting to be served - nope, Baby Max is coming to town and my human is all a twitter. Makes me ill. One minute I'm "her baby" and the next I'm locked in the laundry room so she can "clean for Max."

And get this...he's a thumb sucker!! I must say I'm a bit curious about the whole thing...I mean, what could possibly be good about a human's thumb?!?

Well, you can bet your sweet patooty that I'll be finding out! First chance I get....Baby Max's thumb is going to be MINE!!! I think I know a thing or two about sucking...afterall, I suck on a pink pig and unless I'm mistaken - and I'm not - my pink pig is much bigger than his thumb! Oh yeah - I'm going to get me some thumb! Hey kid, I think I'm feeling better now...Dogs rule!

Wroof on This...

2008-08-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

Hey there kid...long time no see! It's the humans' fault..she is always on the computer and she refuses to buy me my own laptop...said something about me peeing on the keyboard ...whatever, I would never pee on MY things! Anyway, just thought I'd give you an update...it's been BUNNY CENTRAL around the castle...they are everywhere! I wish I could report that I caught one and taught it a lesson but that's not the case - the human keeps me locked up....such a party poop she is!

I had to find some way to show her my "displea-sure" about not being allowed to capture the bunnies...so I ventured into the "guest room" where I am not allowed and made myself comfortable on the bed...man oh man, you should have seen her face when she caught me! It was great fun! She screamed and carried on about Max's precious stuffed animals and Max this and Max that...dang if that baby isn't annoying and HE'S NOT EVEN HERE!!!

The door to the guest room is now shut...again, the human is a party poop! That's okay though...as soon as she leaves to run her errands I have my eye on the new pillows in the living room....hehehehehe....dogs rule.

The Operating Room...

2008-08-11T13:23:00.000-07:00

Okay kid, feast your squinty little eyes on this...it's the torture chamber at the vets. See that rope that hangs down from the ceiling? Actually, its a chain and on the end of it is a choking devise that they put around dog's necks to hold them still while they are tortured...some might not call getting your toenails clipped torture but that's my word for it.

Oh sure, we all need our nails clipped but I'll bet you don't have to go to a vet and have a noose put around your neck! It's so barbarian! I make no bones about how I feel about this...I cry. Oh you betcha I do...I cry and whine and make my human hold me...and if she doesn't hold my mouth I wait for just the right moment when I can take a chunk out of the groomer's hand...better her blood than mine! I really milk the situation...and then the human thinks I'm all a twitter and takes me to McDonalds for two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onion on a sesame seed bun...nothin' like eating a Big Mac with freshly trimmed nails!

2008-08-11T13:10:00.000-07:00

Hi ya kid! Just wanted you to see I'm not missing any meals. Scrambled eggs and sausage is my favorite breakfast and the human makes it for me every Sunday morning. In return I leave her alone while she reads the newspaper - it's a win/win deal.

It's been a banner week around the manse. My human cousins came to visit. They weren't as bad as usual...one of them is a dog whisperer...yeah, I've told you about her before, her name is Gracie and she and I had quite the in-depth conversations. Of course, she's not nearly as smart as me but then she's only 10. The other one, Callie, is not my favorite...I was tempted to remove a few of her toes a couple of times but then I figured it wouldn't be worth the punishment...humans are so dang protective of their kids! She was always teasing me and begging me to sing....got on my nerves! However she did redeem herself a bit so I let her hold my ice cream cone for me.

I was thrilled when they left...one of them left a sock behind and I immediately shredded it...sad for them.

I hate having to be nice to cousins. Oh wait, make that...I hate cousins.....that's better!

Pink Plush Piggy...

2008-07-26T08:17:00.001-07:00

Hi ya kid...it's a sad, sad day in Caesarville...my human said my favorite pig has to go...she pointed out the obvious...his pointy head, which is where I love to suck, is covered with mildew that won't wash out...apparently mildew is bad, at least my human thinks so...he's missing an eye...man, that was tasty! And he smells - although I'm rather found of that aroma! So he's going to that great pink-plush-pig-land-in-the-sky...may we all have a moment of silence...

I'm going to miss that piggy...

HA! GOTCHA! He's NOT GOING ANYWHERE! That's right, you heard me - he's stayin' put...right after the human took this picture of him I grabbed him and flew under the bed...oh sure, she tried to get him away from me but she finally gave up - for some reason she values her fingers!

Say hello to my little pig...he's here to stay. ALL HAIL CAESAR!

Dogs rule.

America's Greatest Dog...

2008-07-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

Kid - if you know what's good for you, and I know you don't, because first of all you're a kid and second, you're a human kid...hehehehehe...I do love to razz human kids!

Okay, listen to me for a dog-gone-second....that new TV show? America's Greatest Dog? Have you seen it? What a bunch of crock! I think we all know who America's Greatest Dog is....aah....that would be ME! Here's a picture of Tillman, he's one of the contestants on the TV show...poor dog, he got suckered into doing this because his human wanted to be on TV...Tillman is something of an athlete though, he rides a mean skateboard...but really, any human can do that! Here's Tillman, all pooped out after running some obstacle course - and I don't think he did all that well...I can't be sure because I stopped watching it - it was just too humiliating....dogs being forced to compete against each other for a title that I ALREADY HOLD!

ALL HAIL CAESAR!

Okay, okay, I'll humble myself just a little, allow me to strike my "humble-king" pose...nice, no?

Why yes, that IS my pink plush pig that my beautiful head is resting on....I have made that little piggy my slave...all king's have slaves...and when you come to visit me you too shall be my slave...I think you know what will happen if you refuse?!? Ankle-sandwich for me!

Back to the TV show...save your eyesight, do not watch this show...it's a sham...I AM AMERICA'S GREATEST DOG...always have been...always will be...forever and ever and a day. Amen.

2008-07-23T15:14:00.000-07:00

Hey kid! Do I have it good or what?!? The human just finished sewing together these scraps of fabric into this great sock quilt...and you KNOW how I LOVE socks! She laid this quilt out on her bed and then walked out of the room....now, I ask you, what was I supposed to do? If you were me...a handsome, brilliant, bed-and-sock loving dog, wouldn't you think that the human had given this quilt to me?!?

Exactly...that's just what I thought too! But guess what...I was WRONG!

The human had the nerve to throw a fit when she saw me making myself at home on her quilt...whatever... I let her have her precious quilt without putting up a fight ... but tonight, when she's just about asleep I'm going to give her Pinky a nice little nibble...hehehehehe...that'll teach her to give me a quilt and then take it back!

Dogs Rule.

Oops! I Did It Again....

2008-07-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

Hi ya Kid! Oh man have I got some good fun for you today! You see kid, one day you're going to grow up into a full-size human, sorry to have to tell you that but it's true...so I feel like I need to give you some advice - you know, to prepare you....no need to thank me, every now and then I feel the need....the need to do a good deed!

Hehehehehe.....okay, take a look at the chaise lounge...notice anything? Like that piece of doggie-doo-doo? Hehehehehe....awesome, no? I like to jump up on that lounge and do my bizness...it just makes me laugh....because my human dad comes out, sees my "gift" and removes it...and then...and I'm not making this up...he lays his scrawny white body on top of where I just pooed....oh yes he does!! Now, this should go without saying, so forgive me, but just picking up the poo does not remove ALL OF IT....the aroma, some would say stench, still lingers...and he lays in it!! Man, if that don't beat all! Just cracks me up! I know when he stands up he is going to smell like poo...now that's funny!

So kid...here's my advice for you...if you see poo on a lounge chair, do not go remove the poo and lay on the lounge until you've sprayed the thing with BLEACH or something or else you're going to smell like poo, too!

Hey! That rhymed...Poo...too...Poo...too....Poo...too...to...YOU!

Now here's the rub...as long as the big white guy is laying on the lounge I can't go poo....
hehehehehe...
So, I wait and watch and watch and wait and when it gets to the point of "no return" I jump up on the old buzzard and bite his toe...that always gets him up...and then he goes into the house to whine to the old lady....and finally I can jump on the lounge, do my bizness, and wait for the human to return...it's good fun kid....it's truly Pavlovian, only in reverse.

Dogs Rule.

2008-07-14T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hey Kid! Check it out!! Do you see that bad squirrel in the tree? Oh yeah...he's bad...and he's mine, all mine! Well, he would have been mine if my human had let me off the deck! I would have had that varmint in me teeth in NO time! I could have had Squirrel Pie for dinner!

Could've, should've, would've if only the human wasn't such a squirrel lover....I mean, what else could she be?! The traitor! She denies it, of course, but deep down inside where she doesn't want to know, she's a squirrel lover...just another reason humans can't be trusted.

So I spent the better part of my evening letting that dang squirrel have a piece of my mind! Oh you betcha! I told him that one day I would be eating him for my supper...oh, if only you could have seen the fear in his eyes! It was a sight to behold! Listen kid, there is nothing like a skeered squirrel! They get all quivvery and their eyes bulge in their heads - it would be almost sad if it wasn't so dang funny!!!

Skeered Squirrels! The funniest thing in the world...next to a skeered human! Now THAT'S funny! Okay kid, I've got to go, I'm on patrol this morning, caught scent of a bunny while I was out doin' my bizness this morning...so if I'm lucky, I'll be having Bunny Pie for dinner tonight - it's almost as good as Squirrel Pie, without the nuts of course.

Bad Dog, Bad Dog, Whatchya Goin' To Do???

2008-07-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

Hi ya kid! Check this out...I was going through some old photo album the human keeps and I found this picture - made me laugh myself sick...sick I tell ya! This was taken years ago, when I didn't know any better...my brother had just come home from McDonalds, set his food down and left the room...I did what any self-respecting canine would do...I jumped up on the table to have myself a taste of what he was having! Then...like magic he appeared out of nowhere and caught me by surprise! I pretended to be sorry...I even let him pick me up and put me on the floor...then I took a piece out of his hand just so he would know that I didn't appreciate being surprised!

So they caught me...big deal...that was the ONE and ONLY time I've EVER been caught...if they only knew that every night of the week I climb up on the table for a "once over" they'd probably make sure to push the chairs in...but, what can I say, they're HUMANS and therefore not as smart as me! Ha! Dogs Rule!

Bubby J...The Devil Dog...

2008-06-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

Hi ya Kid....Meet my cousin, Bubby J. Oh sure, he may look cute...but trust me, he's a devil dog inside and out. Bubby J, also known as Bo, is not very old and therefore not very bright. If I had a chance I'd teach him a few things that might make his life a little easier...for instance:

1. Don't pee on rugs...pee on walls for maximum effect.

2. Don't chew up toys...chew up shoes, again for maximum effect.

3. Don't eat your food standing over your bowl....load up your mouth and carry your food to your humans bed and eat it there - leaving the crumbs to fall where they may.

4. Don't sit, stay, fetch or do any of those other "commands" that humans like to tell us to do...they're NOT the boss!

5. Do not....I repeat....DO NOT lick your humans mouth - THEY HAVE GERMS!

Bubby J lives in a circus - a human circus. He lives with two rather large humans, and 4 smaller humans and he also lives with another canine extraordinaire, Oreo, who I like to think of as my evil twin.

Gracie, the smallest human in the house, who is pictured here, is actually a "dog whisperer"...she is able to communicate with Bubby and Oreo like no other human...mainly because she is part Poodle, not something I can actually confirm, but that is my belief. I think you'll see just by looking at her that she definitely has some Poodle in her...obviously she is beautiful like the Poodle, and she is demonstrating exceptional brain function, like the Poodle, as she is able to fake a smile on command...again, like the Poodle.

Did I mention that I am part Poodle??? Yes, I think I've told you that before...I'm half Poodle and half ShihTzu...making me a....wait for it...

wait...

wait....

A Poo-Shiht...or a Shiht-Poo!!!

Now, go wash your mouth out with soap!

Dogs rule.

Dog With A Bone...

2008-06-25T09:17:00.001-07:00

Hi ya kid...long time no see! Feast your eyes on this beauty...if only I had Smell-O-Blog for you to sniff the aroma of the meat on the grill!

The fam finally had steaks for dinner - and, like the good beast that I am, I waited patiently while they ate the good parts....NOT! I whined and jumped and barked and then my human locked me out on the porch! Some times that woman really gets on my nerves - you might say she even irritates the "tinkle" out of me....on her newly planted pots! Hehehehehehehehehe!

So I sat on the porch, watching them stuff their faces, and just when I thought I couldn't stand it one second longer, just when I was ready to rip that screen door a new hole...out walked my brother with the bone.

Listen up kid - what you see here may look like I'm begging - but I assure you...I DO NOT BEG. Oh nooooo...that would be beneath me...what I'm doing here is allowing my brother to "play" with me...you know, making him feel superior and all that - humans like to feel like they're in control. I've learned that it's okay, once in a while, to let the humans think they're the Alpha...oh kid, I'm dying here...I mean, I'm really cracking myself up! Humans being Alphas!!! Now THAT'S funny!

Now, for all of you pansies out there who think that all I do is growl and bite and, as my human likes to say, "act rude"...well, take a look at my happy, smiling face below...I think you'll readily agree that I am as sweet as a sugar pie...but just don't try to take my bone away...

Now, this is how every day should end...a photo-op with a bone. Oh yeah. Dogs rule.

2008-06-15T14:46:00.001-07:00

In an attempt to make me look sweet, kind and loving...not my words I assure you...my human decided to put a sterling silver bone "bow" in my hair....I played along...even giving her a little lick on the paw, I mean hand, to encourage her to get close...and I even struck a nice pose for her...

Handsome, no?

But kid, really, I think you know me well enough by now to understand that I was ACTING...oh sure, I'm capable of being nice but where's the fun in that?!?

So...after a few grueling minutes of posing and primping and listening to my human go on and on and on about how beautiful and sweet and loving and good I am, well, I'd had a gut-ful...and there was only one way I was going to get her to stop...and I think you know what that is...

KNUCKLE SANDWICH!

Oh yeah babeeeeeee....that'll teach her to put a metal bow in my hair!

Check out my pearly whites!

What can I say, kid....DOGS RULE!

All HAIL CAESAR!

My Man Murph....

2008-06-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hey Kid...snap your neck around and take a peak at my man Murphy. Murphy and his younger brother Symon have to watch their new human brother, Max, be coddled all day long...he cries and his mom comes running - she holds him and rocks him and feeds him on demand...really, what's that about?!? And then the human sticks this thing in the baby's face...so Murph here decided to find out for himself what it was...he took it right out of Max's mouth!!!

Hehehehehehe....way to go Murphy! I couldn't be more proud of you! Dogs Rule!

Charlie and his new Sibs...

2008-06-12T18:24:00.000-07:00

Hey kid - meet my friend Charlie...boy oh boy do I pity him! He's in for such a rough time...and it ain't going to be pretty either! You see, Charlie here was the only child and then his parents decided to have human kids... So get this, Charlie's humans didn't just have one baby...oh nooooooo....that would have been too reasonable....and they didn't just have two babies....uh-uh....they had THREE babies!!! Just think of the crying, puking and pooping that's going to go on in his house! Yikes! It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up just thinking about it!

But kid, here's the rub...as much as I dislike human kids, little Charlie's sibs are pretty tiny - so tiny that if they came to my house I wouldn't even bother trying to bite them! So I figure you and me need to keep Charlie and his sibs in our prayers - think you can do that? I'm sure Charlie would appreciate it...and if our prayers work then his sibs will get bigger and bigger and....dare I say...meatier?!? Speaking of meat...I smell some cooking - must be on my way to investigate! Dogs Rule!

Can You Hear Me Now?

2008-05-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

Seriously kid...I'm sick and tired of listening to my human talk on the phone...if it's not the house phone it's the cell...ring, ring, ring...the DRAMA of it all! Just who DOES my human talk to all day long?!?! It's enough to make me want to puke on the rug and eat it back up!

My human set her cell phone on the edge of the table - one little leap and I was able to knock it onto the rug....it hardly made a peep...and then I scooped it up and off I went...she's not ever going to get this back...nope, it's mine...all mine...I think you know what I'll do if she tries to take it away from me...knuckle sandwich for me!

I've got a few calls of my own to make...first off, I'm going to call the Snausage people...oh yeah, they've made a fatal mistake - they discontinued the all cheese Snausage....what's up with that?!?

Next call is going to be to the King County Animal Control...hehehehehehe....there's this stupid...and I mean STUPID black cat that has been circling the manse...I can't wait to report it - they'll send out the paddy wagon and it'll be CURTAINS for the KITTY! I LOVE saying that....CURTAINS for the KITTY!!

My last call will be to Katie Couric...yeah, the CBS News Anchor....I've watched her news program for the last year and not once....did you read that right...NOT ONCE...has Katie mentioned the word DOG....how can she call herself a responsible newswoman when she can't even mention the higher species?!? Please...it's time for her to go and I'll have no problemo letting the folks at CBS know what I think...afterall DOGS RULE!!

She Did It!!!!

2008-05-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

Okay kid....my human isn't as dumb as she looks afterall! She did it!! She managed to upload the video of me singing....so sit back, relax, put your stinky feet up and enjoy this - which is sure to be the thrill of your life!

Now...if YOU want to learn to sing like me...and really, who wouldn't? Then this is what you need to do....get down on all fours - and then throw your head back like I'm demonstrating here....and now...with that big flabby belly of yours which is probably stuffed with Oreos and Candy, I want you to let loose will all you've got....give me your best primal scream!

Hehehehehehehehe....you are going to look and sound just like a dork....but then, you're human so how could you not?!!?!

Dogs rule. And singing dogs rule dogs.

All hail Caesar!

The New American Idol....

2008-05-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

Hi-ya kid - long time no post....sorry, but I've had some heavy napping to do...the squirrel activity around the manse is unbelieveable this time of year - so when I'm not napping I'm on patrol....hate those dang squirrels! Now, I suppose you watched American Idol with every other dolt in the world....my human was nuts over it - and let me tell ya, I'm THRILLED that it's over....if I have to hear one more time how cute David Archuletta is....please, does he have fangs?!?! Can he tree a squirrel? More importantly, can he sing? Well, my little pipworm, the answer to that is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....not even close. And David Cook, that wannabe, will never sing better than a chicken with strep throat!

I wanted to share the voice of the ONE AND ONLY AMERICAN IDOL....MOI (that's ME in French...didn't know I was bilingual did you?)....but the human is not able to record me and upload it....my next owner is going to have to prove to me she has technological abilities or I'm not going home with her!

But since you can't hear me, you'll just have to take my word for it...and if you don't I'll bite your ankles till next Tuesday! In the meantime, here's a picture of me to warm the cockles of your pea-sized, blackened heart....hehehehehehehehehehe....

And don't forget....DOG'S RULE!

Tummy Ache....

2008-05-12T10:42:00.000-07:00

Hey kid, I'm not feeling great today....got some kind of bug in my tummy...my human said it's because I ate an entire bag of potato chips.

My brother left the bag of potato chips on his desk - and then he left the chair to his desk conveniently turned so I could jump up on it and help myself to the chips - I thought that was rather thoughtful of him....and really, that was pretty much like INVITING me to eat the bag of chips, don't you agree? But...my tummy really does hurt...so I might have to barf on the rug again...and if I do I hope I'll be able to eat it before my human cleans it up! That's the only good thing about barfing - licking it up!

Hey kid, wish me luck, will you? My human said that if I don't get better soon she's going to take me to the VET...and you know what THAT means....something will be STUCK where the sun don't shine and then I'm going to BITE SOMEONE!!! oohhhh....maybe some ice cream would help....

Ooops!

2008-05-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

Hehehehehe...so, check it out...I managed to escape outside for a few GREAT minutes before my human caught me...she actually picked me up and carried me back to my yard...and then she put me down...thinking I'd follow her back into the mansion....but before I did, I decided to leave a little "remembrance" for any bad squirrels or bad kitties that might think they can come onto my property....this should do it!

There's nothing like the smell of dog urine....don't you agree?!?

My Human is Baaaaaaaack!

2008-04-27T21:11:00.000-07:00

Finally....my human returned! I knew she couldn't stay away forever! I told you already, she's a grandma now to some tiny human named Max - who I hear cries a lot ....whatever - who would want to be around that all the time!

So my human came home - she missed me terribly and with my best "sad-puppy-eyes" I begged and pleaded with her to take me to McDonalds - for a long over-due ice cream cone!

It worked, of course, she falls for it every time!

The best thing about my human though is she loves ice cream as much as me....and she no longer makes me share the cone with her - nope, I get my own cone....I always hated licking where she had licked!

She still has a thing with cleanliness so after I'm through with my cone she washes my face with some kind of putrid smelling wipe thing that I hate! And I let her know it too....just because she buys me ice cream does not mean I have to behave when she wipes my face! So I give her two swipes with the wipe - and then I let her have it - ah c'mon - don't be thinking I'm some sort of ingrate - it's all in good fun! Biting my human is what I do best!!

Don't you wish they made chicken flavored ice cream cones? I do. Maybe I"ll invent them - I'm sure they'd be a big seller. See ya kid - I'm off in search of Bad Squirrel who has mysteriously disappeared....I like to bite Bad Squirrel and if I can't find him to bite then I just might have to bite something or SOMEONE else! Hehehehehehehe....I love me!

Baby Max has arrived....

2008-04-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

Here, see for yourself - this miniature human has replaced me! My human has been gone for two weeks - two weeks!! I've not been to McDonald's once or had my tummy rubbed or had the hair-dryer treatment - all because of this tiny creature. His name is Max - and let me just say this right now - I do NOT like him. And I will NEVER like him...my human called on the phone and told me he is "so, so sweet and so, so cute...." please, that's what she USED to say about me!!!

My sister had this creature - so I'm an uncle - whoop-dee-dooo....I suppose they'll all want me to be nice to him...whatever....I hate babies....unless they poop or vomit - then I might get interested - otherwise he is of no use to me - they are no fun to bite, they scream all the time and here's the worst part...humans seem to be more interested in them than dogs....just tell me this kid - what's this Max got that I don't have?!?!

Sucking on Socks...

2008-04-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

Hey kid - let me tell you something straight up...socks do not suck.....but I suck on socks!

Why you may ask? You humans are always wanting to know why!!! First of all, they stink and you KNOW how I love a good stink! Second, they usually have bits of toe jam in them...nothing better than a little jam! And third, socks are soft....so if you add it all up you get stinky-soft-jam....it's like caviar for your canine!

Don't be sitting there thinking it's gross - have you ever sucked on a sock?!? Well then, until you have, back off and leave the sucking to me! And don't even THINK about trying to take my sock away....all socks are mine, and I don't care if they happen to be on your feet...if I want one, I'll get it - with toes or not. Time for a little nappy, I've got to rest up before the afternoon squirrel hunt. See ya kid, now why don't you go do something productive - like vacuum the house!

Hehehehehehe.....now vacuuming REALLY sucks!

A Dog's Biggest Peeves...

2008-03-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

My human brought this list to my attention....even though she was unrepentent about many of the items listed below, specifically items 1 thru 10:

1. Blaming your farts on your dog..... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at your dog for barking... he's A FRIGGIN' DOG!
3. Taking your dog for a walk, then not letting the dog check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is it anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on the dog's nose. Stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why dogs chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking your dog to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when he freaks out every time you take him back!
8. Getting upset when your dog sniffs the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but he probably hasn't mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when dogs lick themselves. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

I don't know what brilliant dog wrote that but I whole-heartedly agree with everything....now, if only my human would clue in! Got to run kid - lots of squirrel action today in the back forty...something's a foot and I've got to get to the bottom of it!

Any Soft Spot Will Do....

2008-03-12T16:58:00.000-07:00

Arrrrrgh....she caught me! I was halfway to dreamland when my human snapped this picture...thereby waking me and interrupting my dream time! The NERVE! I immediately told her how I felt...and when she tried to apologize and give my head a little pat, I managed to take off a bit of her wrist....listen kid, I truly hate to bite the hand that feeds me...well, that's not true, I truly LIKE to bite that hand...but I try to pretend like I don't...but here's the thing...there's an old saying and it goes like this....LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE....now I ask you...nay, I beg you, noooo I IMPLORE YOU...somebody please tell my human that I do not like to be awakened from my nap - especially with a flash bulb in my face!

I found what I thought was a pretty soft spot for a nap - her workroom basket. It's piled high with projects that she's never, in a million years, going to finish...and all I wanted to do was have a few minutes of peace and quiet....grab a quick shut-eye.....perchance to dream......And she wonders why I bite.....Sheesh!!

Finally....Some Respect!

2008-03-10T07:44:00.000-07:00

Years ago, I used to get a good T-Bone to pick clean about twice a week....and then, just like that, nothing! I went for months and months without a fresh bone of any kind....my humans had decided to cut out red meat....my humans had decided this without consulting ME!! Oh sure, occasionally they give me some fake bone - and I pretend to like it - in the hopes that a real one will be on it's way....but seriously, I only get real bones about once a year now!

Last night....my human brother, bless his little black heart, brought home a steak and fired up the grill! I was giddy with anticipation! Giddy I tell you! After drooling for what seemed like an hour, he finally said those sweet, sweet words, "Does my baby brother want a bone? Does he? Well, does he?" What can I say, he's not the brightest bulb...so I did my little happy dance - and there it was, right before me, the most succulent bone I had seen in almost a year.....and now it's mine....I shall chew it and chew it and then, when the chewing is done....I shall hide it someplace safe....and you, my friend, shall never find it.....Hehehehehehehehehehe...It's mine, all mine....mine....mine....mine....mine....

Don't Mess With My Squirrel!

2008-03-02T10:24:00.000-08:00

Seriously dudes, and dudettes, how many times do I have to tell my human that it's HANDS OFF my squirrel? I warn her and warn her...but does she get it? Nooooooo, she thinks I'm playing....just take a look at my sharp, shiny teeth...does it look like I'm playing?!?

And they say dogs are dumb...hehehe I have heard that some humans are quite intelligent...but I've not seen any evidence of that around here!

Here's the thing...the squirrel is mine. MINE. And if you had audio right now you'd hear me say that....mine, mine, MINE! I think you can see I'm quite good at expressing myself, well, I'm also quite good at SAYING what I mean, too...and it doesn't matter if you pile every pointy-headed plush, pink pig I have on my head....when I say the squirrel is MINE I mean it! I'm not going to let go. Not even for a Snausage.

No way is my human getting my squirrel. Never. Ever. I will always win. She will always lose. Those are my rules. All hail Caesar - King of Squirrels, Ruler of Humans.