Eat Your Hearts Out...

Yeah Kid, I'm talking to you...feast your eyes on all this beauty...on top of the quilt on top of the sofa...basically on top of the world! Let me ask you somethin' kid, mano y mano, do you get to lay on top of the sofa? Do you get to lay around all day if you want? Do you get to ignore people whenever you want? Yeah, I DIDN'T THINK SO! Okay kid, I'll stop rubbing your nose in it... I know you can't help it...it's tough being a human...but kid, I'm here for you...I feel your pain...actually, let me rephrase that...you'll feel MY pain if I ever see you laying around on YOUR behind doing nothing...I'll take your fingers off so fast you'll think you were struck by lightning! Sucks for you kid...but you're not me...and I only have one more thing to say...DOG'S RULE!

Hey Kid - Wait till you hear this!!! I was minding my own beezwax, as usual, sleeping on the sofa when I happened to look up...and just what do you think I saw??? I'll tell you what - A STINKIN' KITTY!!! I flew into action and stormed the door - I only had KITTY CASSEROLE on my brain but the human was not cooperating...oh no...she had to get her camera and document the event!

So I growled and I bit and I clawed on her leg until finally she put down her camera and opened the door...I tore out onto the deck - slid around and around and put the FEAR OF THE GRIM REAPER himself into that kitty....right before it jumped down and ran off with it's tail between it's legs!

Two more seconds and it would have been mine!!!!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA....ALL MINE!!!!


Needless to say Kid, I've been on constant patrol ever since...if that stinkin' kitty even so much as puts one hairy paw onto my estate I swear I'm going to get it...I'll risk whatever hairballs might be in store...and I'll have myself a Kitty Casserole "fur" sure!

Now kid, hear me loud and hear me clear...THE ONLY GOOD KITTY IS THE ONE WHO ENDS UP IN MY CASSEROLE...oh, one more thing... DOG'S RULE!

Bubby Jay...

Hey there Kid...brace yourself...you might even want to put on some protective eye-wear because what I've got to show you is SHOCKING, to say the least! Hehehehehe...naw, not really, but I'd like to go on record by saying that Bubby Jay, the human's nephew, is NOT A REAL DOG. No, he may LOOK like a real dog and he may SOUND like a real dog but he's more like a moth...truly kid, I would not lie to you about something as serious as a dog's pedigree...Bubby Jay, is hyper-active, annoying and really, he's just a pest...there, I said it, so sue me Aunt Joni! Bubby Jay has been the understudy to Muffasa, aka Oreo, for years...hoping Muffasa would kill over and die so he could take the lead...but Bubby, if you're reading this, I've got three things to say to you...
#1 You're no Muffasa
#2 You never will be
#3 That is the gayest costume I've ever seen!

Okay kid, now that you've had yourself a good laugh, say a little prayer for Bubby Jay...he needs all the help he can get! Oh, and a kid, I've got one thing to tell you and it should pasted to the back of your brain so you never forget...DOG'S RULE.

Another Year...Another Costume...

The human will never learn...a few years ago I had to wear a vampire costume, then last year my sister made me wear a pig costume...this year I'm a pumpkin...Kid, what's the deal with costumes?!? Why can't the human see I COME WITH MY OWN COSTUME...I'M A DOG!!

I guess it could be worse, this year my costume only consists of a felted green color and an orange hat - but dang if that hat doesn't keep sliding over my eyes! And the human thinks it's "SO CUTE!" Gag me!

Now kid, you know I love pumpkins...they are GREAT to PEE on! Hehehehe....and let me tell you, I did my share of peeing-on-the-pumpkins at the ol' pumpkin patch!

As usual kid, the human was not amused with my pee...she was worried that some little kid would come along and pick up the pumpkin and get my pee all over themselves...Hehehehe...now THAT would be funny! Don't worry kid, I'm sure it will rain before that happens...NOT! Anyway, since the human was not happy with my behavior she put me in a wheelbarrow and my peeing time was over...finished...done...what a bore!

Kid, if you get a chance to go to the pumpkin patch, here's a heads up for you...smell the pumpkin first, if it smells like freshly squirted dog pee then you'll know I saw it first!

Happy pumpkin picking kid! And remember this, 'cause it's the dang truth...DOG'S RULE!

Mad Cow or Doggy Dementia??

Hey kid! Hang onto your beanies here 'cause I've got some BIG news and I know you'll be interested in this...I overheard the humans talking this morning - talking about me. Apparently the humans think there is something wrong with me...they don't find my biting and snarling as funny as I do! Imagine that! Oh sure, I get the whole "biting is bad" thing...and maybe when I bit my dad I went just a bit too far...but the blood was so COOL!

So get this...the humans said I had Doggy Dementia or even Mad Cow Disease...please, do I look like a cow?! Just in case you don't know what dementia is, I'll tell ya....it means nuts, as in coo-coo, as in crazy as a loon, as in off my rocker! Now kid - here's the funny part. My humans are two of the craziest humans on the planet and they think I'M the one with problems?!?!?! Man, all I want is a Snausage and the King size bed to myself...is that too much to ask?!? Does that make me demented??? So kid...let me ask you...do I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU?!? Yeah, I know, silly question...Me crazy!!! Now THAT'S funny! Okay kid, you can have yourself a good laugh over that one - and now I've got to run, I've got some patroling to do before it gets darks so remember what I always say, 'cause it's truer than Santa Claus...DOG'S RULE!

Waiting is my Life...

So Kid...listen to this! The Human was sick, so my dad brought her dinner...and you're not going to believe this but she threw a fit when she saw it was from McDonalds!! She said something like Chicken Nuggets aren't fit for DOGS let alone humans! Yeah, so you see, she really WAS sick - I mean, let's get real here...Chicken Nuggets are right up there next to Snausages and you KNOW how much I LOVE THEM! But kid, here's the kicker...she ATE them...ALL OF THEM...and I was left with my choice of Ranch, BBQ or Buffalo Sauce! Stinkin' Human!! I was tempted to help myself to one of her PINKIE'S...and you know kid, a pinkie dipped in BBQ Sauce just might have hit the spot! Now kid, let me refresh your memory because I'm certain it's as short as the humans'...and this is dang important...so don't ever, ever, not even in a million years forget it...DOG'S RULE!

Hi ya kid...man, what a great time I've had lately...the human is sick. Says she has something called vertigo...makes her walk into walls and fall on the floor...it's darn funny! Nothing like seeing the human do a complete face plant and then wrastle around on the floor!!! Of course, it's the perfect opportunity for me to take a nip or two from her ankles...just to see if she's still breathing!

Kid, let me tell you, I've had more belly laughs lately than you could imagine! When the human isn't falling over her feet she's in bed sleeping...and I'll admit that sleeping next to the human is my favorite way to pass the time. I wait until she's asleep then I move from the bottom of the bed to the top of her head...it's quite comfy up there and usually I can get in 40 winks before she wakes up and sends me flying!
Now kid, take my advice and don't try sleeping on your mom's head...you'll just get your panties in a twist, if you get my drift. But hear me loud and clear on this...DOG's RULE and don't you ever forget it!